Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The hardest work you'll ever love (3)

When marriage is taken seriously, trials, conflict, exhaustion occurs inevitably; simply because it is hard work. Couples can quarrel, yell at each other, use harsh words they would later wish they could take back, scream, cry or walk out for a breather. However, at the end of the day, they still acknowledge and will eventually work through it all to be together.

The easiest way to see how much marriages mean to couples, is to watch their reactions when a disaster, catastrophe or even simply when people go against them. See how they protect and defend each other, the love will then exude and it can be seen that the marriage is a true epitome of being one entity and is one to be proud of, despite the little hiccups.

I once read that a marriage never happens without hard work. When it is successful, and fulfilling, it would be the hardest work you'll ever love. I hold this dearly in my heart and totally agree with what it means.

Sometimes, a marriage fails due to total incompatibility or love was never in the picture. This is where the marriage was doomed from day one. On the contrary, some fail due to extreme familiarity, and familiarity easily breeds contempt to a point that the love is stagnant and almost can be described as stale, and if nothing is done to reignite that flame, it's essentially doomed.

Besides all these unwarranted, invalid excuses for the marriage to happen at all, all marriages CAN and WILL WORK when both parties agree to try hard enough.

There isn't a guideline as to how long one should date before marriage; we have seen marriages that happen within a month last 'till death do us part', we have seen marriages fail after 30 years.

Arguments are bound to happen; conflicts will definitely occur; disagreements are inevitable. In fact, these have been 'created' to bring people closer, to understand each other better, and to help each other love the other better. Unless of course, one marries someone who has absolutely no mind of their own, no opinions, has the intellect of a cow or simply is a mail order bride.

A marriage is meant to be forever, "till death do us part". The whole vow basically talks about partnership and how mutual respect and support has to be given be it good or bad times.

If only divorce had been banned, and made a criminal offence (of course excluding abuse cases), then we will see those who truly are in love and still insist on marrying. But of course there will be many de facto relationships where commitment can easily be broken too. Seen those who celebrated their 70th anniversary? Well, my folks are halfway there, and I'm proud of them.


Some take the vow and carve it in their minds, some just recite it as a required ritual. Due to the convenience of ridding of the other party by hiring a lawyer who plays the devil's advocate, and simply paying for the other party to get lost, divorce has become some sort of a fashion statement and disgustingly described as "the easiest way out", "stop wasting time" and the latest phrase used "cut losses". It's like saying "I've been through marriage and divorce; I've been through more, so whatdya know?" For individuals of such mentality; good riddance to bad rubbish.

Is marriage just a game? Yes and no. Who wants to lose in a game? Akin to a game you love to play, you'd want to win. You'd try your best and try over and over again in the same game so as to finally win. On the other hand, "no", because a game may bore some halfway and when someone loses interest in the game, it's essentially, 'game over'. Saying that, marriage should never be taken as a joke. One party will be the genuine suffering one while the other only eventually found the joke not funny / fun anymore; hence end it all. And the joker ought to be hammered with the X-Box/PSP/PS3/W II to death.

Individuals who fail in a marriage are only validly respectable and admirable when they are victims of abuse or adultery is committed against them, or when the other party is simply a giver-upper after 'trying their best"..Hmm... makes me wonder if emotional infidelity and emotional torment is part of that negative equation too. If a couple has children and still do fail in a marriage has obviously not tried hard enough, because they've been through 2 rounds of tests... 1. having enough love to marry, 2. having enough love to bear children. (Let's not get to the baby-bonus BS)

It takes loads of guts, commitment, mental stability and sacrifices, not to mention love, but also to marry (for those who do not take it as a joke or a dry run of course). Instead of one, now each party has to think for two. So whenever anyone says 'I've tried my best" yet still heads for a divorce, has either lost the guts , commitment or blames the other for the lack of sacrifices made, thinks too highly of their efforts when I'd highly suspect is minimal, or simply took it as a dry run or just as an 'experience' to join the divorced club. Well of course, there are genuine cases of people having tried their best alone, while the other party hasn't (to me, they deserve to end up lonely and helpless in their later lives).

In this era, divorcees are aplenty. And one party is usually the one forced into it. The other unsuspecting victim who has tried so hard, committed everything and sacrificed for the other, just has to accept that 1 hand can only slap, not clap; 1 leg can only limp, not walk; 1 heart can only beat and not love.

"I'm not ready", "I can't commit yet", "I'm not the marriage sort", "I do not want to lose my freedom", "I don't know if I can make you happy", "I get cold-feet thinking of marriage or commitment"; are the most common phrases coming from cowards or caitiffs who have absolutely no guts to say that they are too selfish to love another; hence wasting the precious time of the other party given on earth. These individuals utilise such excuses to hide behind a curtain of selfishness to keep their freedom while tying someone else down and giving false hopes. If commitment or marriage never came to mind, spare the poor souls out there who want to lead the normal life, and stop giving empty promises. These are the losers, the cowards, the players who warrant no respect; I'd even respect a murderer more... at least he had the bloody guts to commit the crime.

In my honest opinion, every marriage is workable, except the hopeless losers mentioned above. A marriage begins with love, then the want to commit, hence the desire to be together forever. If both are willing to take a step back and think why they were together in the first place, their quarrels and conflict will then tend to appear less severe and hence easier recognise that they are more willing to let go. Nobody needs to win or lose in an argument. There is no right or wrong either. Marriages are not debates. As long as the solution is the best for working towards the betterment of the marriage, winning will no longer be an issue. Marriages are meant to work with the help of 2 willing and loving people, working together in partnership and not against each other. With this winning solution, they wouldn't even realise they are falling in love over and over again with each other all the time.

The willingness to ignore pride and admit a mistake is a true sign of love. When one has done wrong, it would not kill to apologise... simply because the other party was hurt in some way. But this is not a disclaimer to do just about anything with deliberation of at least an expectation to hurt the other and then simply apologise to expect pardon.

Acknowledge also that marriage in the earliest years are the hardest to overcome, and if one can do so; which many have, are respectable enough to have the guts to go through all the teething problems together. This is the time when one learns to live with another, learn to respect the other and agree to go through hard and good times together where the hard times happen more often, learn their habits, good or bad, nominal or huge, share their space and be considerate to each other. This can not only eliminate insecurity but also build confidence in each other. There will be issues involving toilet habits, finances, in-laws, time allocation, consideration, acceptance of differences, all issues, big or small will still be issues to either overcome, or accept. Sacrifices made by either party also should not be compared. Fair or not fair. Simply because of love, one may be willing to sacrifice everything, no doubt seemingly unfair, but still a winning solution which makes the marriage happy. A couple who would do anything to make a marriage work deserves the most respect for the equation produces a win-win situation.

One cannot walk into a marriage expecting that life will still be as before. Well, of course you can if you married a nimrod. That doesn't mean one has to give up their freedom, friends, family or life. Everyone is still entitled their own space, but they do know they have their partner to seek solace in, to love, and to be with aside from all the time out there in time of good and bad, someone to go home to, and eventually to share life till they grow old together. This is where priorities matter so much. Priorities change after marriage whether you like it or not. Of course one still can enjoy their freedom, do what they love, their hobbies, and because the love and respect for the other is there, adulteries or affairs wouldn't even come across their minds. Friends are there all the time, but they will eventually have their own commitments.

Families, on the other hand are there to nurture, help in times of trouble and to share the joy of your marriage but not unnecessarily intervene and ruin it nor encourage failure If one's family fights with one partner over time allocation, finances or attention have obviously not enough love and grace to allow the couple to build what they have started. One's priority cannot and should not be dictated by anyone. Wise words from my dad, "Parents are important, but should know when to let go when the time is right, no parent wants to ruin the good in their children unless they do not have a loving heart and grace".

However, if you notice your marriage is in one of the lowest of the priority list, spare your poor partner and either shoot yourself, or wake up to see that at the end of the day, your partner is also your family, no doubt not by blood but by love. Family members slowly gain their own lives, some die, some have their own families, so eventually what's left is you and your spouse. Picture your life with your spouse in 50 years, see the comfort, see the gray hair, and the beautiful memories you would have by then, both of your blood family and your spouse.

I smile while I think of the hypothetical if a divorce does not happen, and even if not me, at least you could and would and should go through lives together and whilst your great grand children are there to learn of your precious memories and lessons they would be proud to know of.

As for me, I never believed in marriage having an expiry date unless one party dies. Some have unfortunately met someone who actually meets one of the criteria of someone you should not be with. Yes, they'd have to suffer the social stigma, because these people's solution to "marriage isn't easy, it's gonna be alot of hard work" is "the easiest way out". Unfortunately, they have to be the unsuspecting poor soul to trust the other to try their best.

But should my life be ended prematurely, my only greatest regret; signing on that dotted line in front of the people whom some of them care and love me to bits.

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