As it is, it is hard enough to find one to love who loves you back the same way. What about maintaining that love and relationship 'till death do us part'? Anyone can live with another, but can they live without each other? Of course we can! Haven't we been doing that for ages? Haven't we been living on our own before meeting our better halves? BUT once we have met the better half, we'd end up a single entity, forsaking all others, and subconsciously keeping the most important and sacred vow.
I've been told that a marriage should not come with disagreements nor arguments. When one does something which might hurt the other, the other is not able to find fault simply because that party feels no wrong in their doing; and so, the other partner MUST have a heart of forgiveness, and to always take forgiveness as a first priority. The bonus? The other party can do the same..... WOW!! However, how the other party feels is to be kept within and swallowed till the day they die, explode or till the day the carpet is too full for anything else to be swept under or the closet just has too many skeletons to house anymore. Is this a sustainable marriage? Erm... sad truth; no. This is unrealistic and never happens.
What the hell marriage is that?! Rules and regulations, terms and conditions? What about throwing in some demerit points and detention classes? Feelings and emotions are not to be argued with nor to be corrected no doubt they can be controlled or hidden well by the strong ones.
There was this couple who never made it through year one, the woman fell hopelessly in love with this man, whom she gave full respect and always held him on a higher pedestal and a number 1 priority. However, a woman will always remain a woman; inquisitive and wanting to be involved in the happiness or sadness of her man. This man is always able to make her wonder what she has done wrong even though she didn't think she made the mistake. Of course at times she would have made mistakes and be apologetic about it.
He is also one to disrespect the need to argue when she thinks is truly necessary for the betterment of the marriage. And it is the nature of women to want to solve minor issues, grab the bullet before it hurts, the man is more concerned about AFTER the bullet is shot to solve it. Little arguments and problems do not seem important to a man, and they tend to categorize them under the same 'little issues' drawer, hence confusing the woman as to why the man is unable to solve these issues and nip them in the bud before they snowball into huge problems. And when that happens, the man is unable to accept the woman digging up past issues, which the woman never found closure before. That's just the way some men work. Big pictures are perfected with small inner pictures. Nice big pictures do not 'just happen'.
How much more tolerance should this lady have? Has she been short changed? Or dwelling in self pity? Or is this just her side of the story? She has given her all in this marriage, sacrificing much to be with him and has tried giving in whenever her disgruntlements were not acknowledged. Except that she has this penchant to explain why exactly she was upset, and was never looking for an apology, but to bring across the point that an acknowledgement of what really upset her or her other half; hence there should be mutual understanding and of course to know the exact crime she has committed. She has been trying to go through life together, keeping the responsibilities of a wife to be submissive to the man, hoping the man respects and honours her.
I am not self-righteous, and do not intend to be or sound like one who is. I just need to say this is a very painful experience that one has to go through just because one of the parties could not meet the 'ideal' expectations of the other. How much more to give? How much more to do? I do not know, except that this could be a good example for others in similar situations to see the truth of life and relationships to learn. Learn what? I'm clueless too. Learn to give in? Check. Learn to be the smaller woman? Check. Learn to tolerate? Check. Learn to be humble? Check. Learn to lose the right to retort in every aspect? Check. And lastly, learn to live with each other given the knowledge that no two people are the same. Check? What else? I'm not too sure... anymore.
This story made me realise that I must love..... love myself way way way much more than I have ever loved myself to be able to love the other.
Would this happen again? I do not know. Will I also end up being a sucker for punishment? I do not want to of course. I guess one's quota for mistakes and stupidity can reach its limits. I cannot, and won't want to see anyone in this ugly situation. I'm sure there are worse out there. This example is just the baby of all disasters of marriages, but it's hurt enough to make one wonder if this short life we have on earth would be spent with someone worthy, or someone who believes in the "(1) I AM GREAT, (2) I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, (3) WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, READ POINTERS (1) and (2)" theory.
A good marriage is never really an unattainable dream, an ultimate success, a great achievement for almost everyone, seeing how much my parents have achieved being together for so long. Their example has given me will remain my role model to follow and live till such an age where love is strong, and the bond is tight. Of course, hurdles and obstacles come along the way, well but they have held hands to jump across those difficult times lovingly and gracefully. That is my aim, that is my goal. "For better or worse, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, to forsake all others" right? Ask them; they'd tell you, check, check, check and check.
Do read this article below, it can save your marriage and make it one that you'd live to be proud of;
"Divorce is a difficult and painful process. You need constant support from family members, friends, relatives and help from professionals. This path is made easier with informed knowledge. Divorce is however not always the best solution. It should be the last option and not just the easy way out, especially if you are married with children. It is always in the parties' interest to resolve the differences, so that both can move on with their lives together. Nevertheless, in some instances, a disgruntled spouse can be difficult, early and adequate preparation are absolutely necessary.
SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
A relationship, whether between father and son, between brother and sister, between a man and woman, requires constant nurturing. After marriage, most couples take each other for granted. As the society develops and matures, the demands are more exacting. Stress of work, stress in coping with the new born, of ensuring that the children get into a reputable primary school, differences of opinions in dealing with teenage children, unreasonable interference by in-laws, financial mismanagement, often aggravate the relationship between the couples.
From the woman's viewpoint, the man lacks understanding, spends too much time at his career, does not do housework or enough housework, is not a good provider in terms of financial and emotional support, does not show care or concern for her or for the children, are the frequent complaints.
The men on the other hand often feel that their wives are too interfering, too possessive, do not understand their stress at work or in coping with their career, incessant nagging, unnecessary and unreasonable reprimands, or unachievable demands.
In some cases, the differences lead to quarrels and fights. With the influx of foreign women in Singapore, especially from the People's Republic of China, these men who are now in an emotional vacuum, often find solace through these non-committal 'relationships'. Intimate association even not amounting to adultery, lead to more misunderstanding.
In some other instances, the cracks start with a minor misunderstanding. Poor communication aggravates the situation. If the bonding is not strong, the parties drift apart, and often avoid speaking to each other. Suspicion and unsubstantiated allegations widen the rift, making a re-conciliation difficult.
Some suggestions given by the experts:
1. Swallow your pride.
Often parties are too proud to admit their shortcomings and mistakes made. They are too quick to take on a defensive position. Swallowing one's pride is in the interest of all parties. The dent on the ego is painful, but it spares both parties more agony.
2. Speak to your spouse early.
If there is a major issue, discuss and reach a consensus early. The decision may be wrong, but if it had been deliberated before, both parries should support and carry it through, without complaints or grudges.
3. Be slow to criticize and complain
It is only human to complain about a person's mistake, some do it more often than others. We should however always note that nobody wants to do badly in whatever we do. Failure and mistakes are however part and parcel of life. We need to accept and take responsibility and move on. Your spouse' mistake is also your mistake. You married him or her and you should have enough love to suffer the consequence of his or her mistake.
4. Perseverance
Some differences are minor---solve these first, some are major and cannot be resolved easily. There must be perseverance and courage. It is not the solution that saves the marriage, for after every problem solved there would be another. That is the nature of life itself. It is the perseverance that makes the difference, that gives hope and makes life meaningful.
5. Take responsibility
In every relationship, we must take responsibility. The purpose of work is for a future and a better tomorrow. If the work affects the quality of life and being unhappy often, the work actually loses its purpose. One should not be enslaved by work, although it is easily said than done. Without a happy marriage, it would affect the quality of work. The promises made whether to a spouse or innocent child must be fulfilled.
6. Defend your spouse
Often, family members do not know the details of the couple's relationship. Parents side their children and siblings side each other. This is human nature, and they do it out of love and care. However such act is harmful as it aggravates the misunderstanding between the spouse. As such it is prudent to leave the family members out of any dispute. A family member who really care for their member should be objective without the need to pin-point."
abstracted from "familylaw.com.sg"
I've been told that a marriage should not come with disagreements nor arguments. When one does something which might hurt the other, the other is not able to find fault simply because that party feels no wrong in their doing; and so, the other partner MUST have a heart of forgiveness, and to always take forgiveness as a first priority. The bonus? The other party can do the same..... WOW!! However, how the other party feels is to be kept within and swallowed till the day they die, explode or till the day the carpet is too full for anything else to be swept under or the closet just has too many skeletons to house anymore. Is this a sustainable marriage? Erm... sad truth; no. This is unrealistic and never happens.
What the hell marriage is that?! Rules and regulations, terms and conditions? What about throwing in some demerit points and detention classes? Feelings and emotions are not to be argued with nor to be corrected no doubt they can be controlled or hidden well by the strong ones.
There was this couple who never made it through year one, the woman fell hopelessly in love with this man, whom she gave full respect and always held him on a higher pedestal and a number 1 priority. However, a woman will always remain a woman; inquisitive and wanting to be involved in the happiness or sadness of her man. This man is always able to make her wonder what she has done wrong even though she didn't think she made the mistake. Of course at times she would have made mistakes and be apologetic about it.
He is also one to disrespect the need to argue when she thinks is truly necessary for the betterment of the marriage. And it is the nature of women to want to solve minor issues, grab the bullet before it hurts, the man is more concerned about AFTER the bullet is shot to solve it. Little arguments and problems do not seem important to a man, and they tend to categorize them under the same 'little issues' drawer, hence confusing the woman as to why the man is unable to solve these issues and nip them in the bud before they snowball into huge problems. And when that happens, the man is unable to accept the woman digging up past issues, which the woman never found closure before. That's just the way some men work. Big pictures are perfected with small inner pictures. Nice big pictures do not 'just happen'.
How much more tolerance should this lady have? Has she been short changed? Or dwelling in self pity? Or is this just her side of the story? She has given her all in this marriage, sacrificing much to be with him and has tried giving in whenever her disgruntlements were not acknowledged. Except that she has this penchant to explain why exactly she was upset, and was never looking for an apology, but to bring across the point that an acknowledgement of what really upset her or her other half; hence there should be mutual understanding and of course to know the exact crime she has committed. She has been trying to go through life together, keeping the responsibilities of a wife to be submissive to the man, hoping the man respects and honours her.
I am not self-righteous, and do not intend to be or sound like one who is. I just need to say this is a very painful experience that one has to go through just because one of the parties could not meet the 'ideal' expectations of the other. How much more to give? How much more to do? I do not know, except that this could be a good example for others in similar situations to see the truth of life and relationships to learn. Learn what? I'm clueless too. Learn to give in? Check. Learn to be the smaller woman? Check. Learn to tolerate? Check. Learn to be humble? Check. Learn to lose the right to retort in every aspect? Check. And lastly, learn to live with each other given the knowledge that no two people are the same. Check? What else? I'm not too sure... anymore.
This story made me realise that I must love..... love myself way way way much more than I have ever loved myself to be able to love the other.
Would this happen again? I do not know. Will I also end up being a sucker for punishment? I do not want to of course. I guess one's quota for mistakes and stupidity can reach its limits. I cannot, and won't want to see anyone in this ugly situation. I'm sure there are worse out there. This example is just the baby of all disasters of marriages, but it's hurt enough to make one wonder if this short life we have on earth would be spent with someone worthy, or someone who believes in the "(1) I AM GREAT, (2) I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, (3) WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, READ POINTERS (1) and (2)" theory.
A good marriage is never really an unattainable dream, an ultimate success, a great achievement for almost everyone, seeing how much my parents have achieved being together for so long. Their example has given me will remain my role model to follow and live till such an age where love is strong, and the bond is tight. Of course, hurdles and obstacles come along the way, well but they have held hands to jump across those difficult times lovingly and gracefully. That is my aim, that is my goal. "For better or worse, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, to forsake all others" right? Ask them; they'd tell you, check, check, check and check.
Do read this article below, it can save your marriage and make it one that you'd live to be proud of;
"Divorce is a difficult and painful process. You need constant support from family members, friends, relatives and help from professionals. This path is made easier with informed knowledge. Divorce is however not always the best solution. It should be the last option and not just the easy way out, especially if you are married with children. It is always in the parties' interest to resolve the differences, so that both can move on with their lives together. Nevertheless, in some instances, a disgruntled spouse can be difficult, early and adequate preparation are absolutely necessary.
SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
A relationship, whether between father and son, between brother and sister, between a man and woman, requires constant nurturing. After marriage, most couples take each other for granted. As the society develops and matures, the demands are more exacting. Stress of work, stress in coping with the new born, of ensuring that the children get into a reputable primary school, differences of opinions in dealing with teenage children, unreasonable interference by in-laws, financial mismanagement, often aggravate the relationship between the couples.
From the woman's viewpoint, the man lacks understanding, spends too much time at his career, does not do housework or enough housework, is not a good provider in terms of financial and emotional support, does not show care or concern for her or for the children, are the frequent complaints.
The men on the other hand often feel that their wives are too interfering, too possessive, do not understand their stress at work or in coping with their career, incessant nagging, unnecessary and unreasonable reprimands, or unachievable demands.
In some cases, the differences lead to quarrels and fights. With the influx of foreign women in Singapore, especially from the People's Republic of China, these men who are now in an emotional vacuum, often find solace through these non-committal 'relationships'. Intimate association even not amounting to adultery, lead to more misunderstanding.
In some other instances, the cracks start with a minor misunderstanding. Poor communication aggravates the situation. If the bonding is not strong, the parties drift apart, and often avoid speaking to each other. Suspicion and unsubstantiated allegations widen the rift, making a re-conciliation difficult.
Some suggestions given by the experts:
1. Swallow your pride.
Often parties are too proud to admit their shortcomings and mistakes made. They are too quick to take on a defensive position. Swallowing one's pride is in the interest of all parties. The dent on the ego is painful, but it spares both parties more agony.
2. Speak to your spouse early.
If there is a major issue, discuss and reach a consensus early. The decision may be wrong, but if it had been deliberated before, both parries should support and carry it through, without complaints or grudges.
3. Be slow to criticize and complain
It is only human to complain about a person's mistake, some do it more often than others. We should however always note that nobody wants to do badly in whatever we do. Failure and mistakes are however part and parcel of life. We need to accept and take responsibility and move on. Your spouse' mistake is also your mistake. You married him or her and you should have enough love to suffer the consequence of his or her mistake.
4. Perseverance
Some differences are minor---solve these first, some are major and cannot be resolved easily. There must be perseverance and courage. It is not the solution that saves the marriage, for after every problem solved there would be another. That is the nature of life itself. It is the perseverance that makes the difference, that gives hope and makes life meaningful.
5. Take responsibility
In every relationship, we must take responsibility. The purpose of work is for a future and a better tomorrow. If the work affects the quality of life and being unhappy often, the work actually loses its purpose. One should not be enslaved by work, although it is easily said than done. Without a happy marriage, it would affect the quality of work. The promises made whether to a spouse or innocent child must be fulfilled.
6. Defend your spouse
Often, family members do not know the details of the couple's relationship. Parents side their children and siblings side each other. This is human nature, and they do it out of love and care. However such act is harmful as it aggravates the misunderstanding between the spouse. As such it is prudent to leave the family members out of any dispute. A family member who really care for their member should be objective without the need to pin-point."
abstracted from "familylaw.com.sg"
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