Did I go to hell?

What in the world happened? First, da ge decided to call him to clarify matters; next thing I knew he was already back, and promised to call to meet up and settle everything amicably or at least have an opportunity to voice out and get closure if it had to be. Everything happened so quickly last week when I dropped him a text msg and got a call back to tell me the proceedings are at the lawyers. It's virtually dead now. I'm virtually dead. The best part? I do not hate him; I am not angry; very upset nonetheless, but I still love him to bits. Is this true, real love a wife has for her husband? I want forgiveness from him, and I have forgiven him, I am still waiting for restoration of our marriage and a reconciliation, but am I asking for too much? Is it really over? This does feel a little like jail, like hell, not that I am aware how that feels, but I know this isn't what is meant for me to go through.

This is surreal, very painful.

Running out of air

Just came back from lunch break. I'm just wondering if there would be 1 day I can go without thinking of my situation? Even when I'm ill and asleep most of the time, I'd still have that very little time to still think about it. Is this heading towards self-destruction? Best of all when I have absolutely no idea what is happening; neither can I see the light at the end of the tunnel. But one thing I know, whether this whole episode will end badly or in a good way, I know that there would be a finale, he is not that irresponsible or unreliable. And the reason for how 1 fight could lead to such repercussions would finally reveal itself. I have stopped dying to know; but never stopped wanting to re-reach that light of love.

I'm now at rest; not wanting to think too much about what can or what cannot be. I just want to trust that this episode in my life is not to destroy me, but to help me grow; stronger, better and for the betterment of my own person. However, if there should be any disappointing news coming up, I'd like to be spared. It's really a little too much for me to take, considering all the hell I've been through and back.

Give me back my Thursday!

I'm shocked at myself for having written the previous blog entry with absolutely no recollection. I remembered coming home after work absolutely knackered, rather tipsy and totally upset with how men of Singapore cannot behave themselves in clubs. Thankfully the very exceptional few who protected me like a brother would to a sister.

Estranged as a wife; treasured as a sister.

Seems like one cannot argue with family ties. Try hard as they may, men of all sortsa ages cannot come near me.... erm, well they can, but let's just see how long they can remain before they're driven miles away from me. 2 reasons for this phenomenal behaviour. 1, I'm the baby girl at home, and my brothers are overly protective over me. (and I do honestly thank them for that). 2, I'm still legally a married woman, and I love the fact that I am and would proudly say I need to be left alone for that reason (no doubt I have no idea where my husband is). I AM entitled to a supernatural relationship and a supernatural marriage. I am awaiting. My husband may have disappeared. He will be back, and as twice the man he is, we will be grateful we had that break.

Meanwhile we'll both find ourselves, do things we always wanted to and realise we can't without each other. That's what I want ultimately. Then the truly happy family will go on happily as the perfect planner has planned for us.

2009, embrace change.

Like I didn't realise the change is tremendous. Have I myself to blame or is this a lesson specially crafted and planned down to details for me? 2009 isn't exactly starting off well. It kick started with a close shave from being burnt alive at Sentika, getting replied with a less than desirable reply when all I wanted was to wish someone Happy New Year; and having been virtually missing from that world for a good close to 4 mths, how can life spiral any lower for me? The only way is up, right? Wrong. I should never have burnt all my savings trying to be independent for now the recession isn't help at all for the financial situation most people are in. Now I struggle to survive, after having been estranged by the very one I have been trusted with.

I am not pathetic neither do I require pity. I only demand respect and responsibility and reliability when spoken forth to me and said under oath. Truly, is there an easier way to solve my current situation? BEG? No. A person who loves another would not expect such a low-life behaviour and attitude from the other. The ultimate question is then; why me? I'm taking my situation, looking at it from all sorts of angles possible; where is the beauty in the outcome? Where is the rainbow? Where is the unity? Is this some kind of a joke? No I have never visualized my life to ever go through this; neither have I expected perfection. The occasional bumpy rides takes the monotony out of life and creates something very real and acceptable. Who can expect a life within a bed of roses.... the thorns are bound to prick once in a while. Once in a while does not lead to permanent destruction and total loss. You cannot bleed to death from rose thorns!

Well, whatever the case, it is such a shame. I was listening to a seminar last night and the speaker made the differences between husband and wife so endearing, so easy to see, and in a rosier pink than the usual black.

Now I understand

A girlfriend spoke to me online... sorry... confronted me online regarding an alleged "bitching". I didn't exactly understand how much fault I had, or was I just being maligned because of some shit-stirrer. Well, anyhow, I can finally see what my husband means when one is so adamant to a level of irritance of insisting on being right and forcing me to admit fault and even though I knew I had to apologise a-n-y-w-a-y, so I did, twice. After obviously being ignored and kept being attacked with the "YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Would you like it if I did ........... to you!??" I felt pretty darn insulted. I said "Fine. I already apologised twice, seems like you are victimising yourself and blowing everything out of great proportion.." And as anybody would expect, next comes "NO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!"

My mind drifted away. During this time I could only hear in my mind an annoying little voice, which I identified as mine, and the other irritated party as my hubby's. I now know how annoying it is not to be able to let stupid little things go, as if it was going to kill me or cause me destruction or perhaps even 5 years later when I look back, it still is such a minor and meaningless issue.

"Agree to disagree". This statement was attempted to be drilled into my mind but I hardly thought about it, till recently, and realised the significance of this statement. This gives reason to be truly irritated and very annoyed, however, still not enough for a divorce. Besides, I do not do things to such extents and not able to ever admit defeat or accept fault.

She does remind me a little of myself when I argue with my hubby, but I know for a true fact I have probably about half of the aggression and nonsense degree of this girlfriend. Even I would not be able to live with such a person for too long. Someone who presses and pushes standards down my throat.

Now, all I want from my hubby is to forgive me, come back to me after such a long silence and I really have learnt and I want to change; not only for him but to make me a better person. Lao Gong, if you are reading this, I want you to know I know how much relief you got from leaving me, more so, I want you to know I am going to change, not for you but for us...

Family time

The sunday just past. It was quite fulfilling to spend time with mum, and chit-chat while we're out. We chatted quite abit about the situation I'm in, and giving me advice. A friend of hers has a daughter-in-law from hell and her son wants a divorce. After listening to the situation, I'd reckon it's all valid. I'm nowhere near there. Thank goodness.

These few days, a few songs have become pretty much appealing to me....


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爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却 还在
等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会
狠心对谁

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却 还在
等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会
狠心 对谁

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
不会再让我（你）心疼
一等再等
你就是我等的那个人

男人 男人
女人 女人
多么希望你是对的人
- 男人女人 -
______________________________________________________
愿意合上眼才能美梦无边
别让悔熏乌了从前
也许碎片才能让回忆展颜
何妨瓷花拼凑明天

谁带我寻获幸福的模
却自己谜中困锁
谁为我留下缱绻的天涯
信物是抹晚霞

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

愿意合上眼才能美梦无边
别让悔熏乌了从前
也许碎片才能让回忆展颜
何妨瓷花拼凑明天

谁带我寻获幸福的模
却自己谜中困锁
谁为我留下缱绻的天涯
信物是抹晚霞

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

_________________________________________________________
曾经有过 美丽的梦
一起微笑 一起牵手走过
不在乎 是否能永久
彷彿 没有尽头

以為自己 一直都懂
你的眼神 透露出些什麼
每一个有你 陪伴的日落
都很快乐

sarang heyo
爱的理由 不会有错
就算换了时空 也会做相同的梦
伸出手请带我走

sarang heyo
爱的理由 不会有错
笑著流泪的我
对你许下了承诺

爱已经停留
-萧贺硕 我爱你-