erm...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Letting go; as easy as walking on stilts on uneven ground
It seems like separation, break-ups', and divorce are fashionable; just to prove one has "been there and done that". Don't people see that such an easy way out or such a 'game' or a dry run is never a sign of maturity or high mentality, unless inevitable (ie. abuse, infidelity, unreasonable behaviour; etc). I know many friends who come from broken families; some grow up dysfunctional, some develop characters we all envy, some are totally blinded by the gender of the parent who left.
Most of the older generation, even the match-made ones stay together through life. Separation, nor divorce or any of that sort ever crossed their minds. It was clear and simple to them; it's together forever.
Unfortunately, for our generation, break-ups, separation and divorce is taken as lightly like a simple purchase; much done without thorough thinking. Pure signs of immaturity and low mentality.
So, whenever this separation happens, what's next? Two people are involved, more often than not, one is the initiator while the other is forced to follow suit. The initiator might have initiated this separation for the betterment of the other; or because he/she is sick and tired of having laksa everyday. (If you choose to have laksa forever, jolly-well do so!)
Both my siblings had their fair share of such. The eldest was in a 5-year relationship and when prompted by the girl towards marriage, he was more than willing and got her a ring ready to propose. And when he did, her only response was that she wanted to marry, but not to him. Quite a joke huh, but imagine the process of letting go. He was in a wreck for the longest time, 2 years approximately before picking himself up to date again, but he was now determined not to be the submissive one. Eventually he did let go, but it was never easy and till today, he has kept the ring he used to propose and failed; because she will always occupy a space in his mind no doubt he's happily married to a lovely sis-in-law with a beautiful baby.
The second sibling was dating a girl from tertiary school days till one went on to work, the other went to venture into business. For 6 years, one was busy working, the other was even busier starting up his business. They were in love and everyone loved the fact that they were together. However, eventually he ended the relationship because he saw that he was a hindrance to her explorable life. He did regret after initiating the break-up, but tried not to look back because he understood the exact repercussions and that she deserved someone who could grant her the time and company she needed. Both found it hard to let go, very hard, and till today, they still present birthday and Christmas gifts to each other, and it is not emotional infidelity, but as a recognition that both respected that the relationship came to a valid ending.
Breaking-up is so hard to do, letting go can even seem impossible at some point. Sometimes people get over it much easier than the other, some take years to let go. Usually the initiator takes a grand total of 3 minutes after the initiation to let go, especially those who had absolutely no love in the first place. What I cannot understand is; why get in a relationship at all? Just to prove that you've been there, done that? To have a hand to hold? Because it's sickening to see all your friends happily attached? Or because of that biological clock that's ticking so loud? Fine if some are that childish, and immature. But at least spare the poor soul you're about to hurt, because some do not expect agendas and simply take it for real.
I see the difference between a marriage and a dating relationship because a marriage involves much more than just a simple break-up. And even with the seriousness of a marriage, some still take it lightly like it's seasonal or the flavour of the month. Read the books from the relationship gurus'. Never have I once seen a chapter that didn't involve arguing or quarrelling simply because these small arguments and quarrels are the small pictures, and solving these will gather to make a beautiful big picture.
I only hope people will somehow realise we're not in some Mario game with 3 lives. When something fails in my life, it is carved as deep as it hurts, people around me hurt and unsure of what to do, and realistically speaking, time is my enemy and wasting it wasn't exactly what I intended to do.
Most of the older generation, even the match-made ones stay together through life. Separation, nor divorce or any of that sort ever crossed their minds. It was clear and simple to them; it's together forever.
Unfortunately, for our generation, break-ups, separation and divorce is taken as lightly like a simple purchase; much done without thorough thinking. Pure signs of immaturity and low mentality.
So, whenever this separation happens, what's next? Two people are involved, more often than not, one is the initiator while the other is forced to follow suit. The initiator might have initiated this separation for the betterment of the other; or because he/she is sick and tired of having laksa everyday. (If you choose to have laksa forever, jolly-well do so!)
Both my siblings had their fair share of such. The eldest was in a 5-year relationship and when prompted by the girl towards marriage, he was more than willing and got her a ring ready to propose. And when he did, her only response was that she wanted to marry, but not to him. Quite a joke huh, but imagine the process of letting go. He was in a wreck for the longest time, 2 years approximately before picking himself up to date again, but he was now determined not to be the submissive one. Eventually he did let go, but it was never easy and till today, he has kept the ring he used to propose and failed; because she will always occupy a space in his mind no doubt he's happily married to a lovely sis-in-law with a beautiful baby.
The second sibling was dating a girl from tertiary school days till one went on to work, the other went to venture into business. For 6 years, one was busy working, the other was even busier starting up his business. They were in love and everyone loved the fact that they were together. However, eventually he ended the relationship because he saw that he was a hindrance to her explorable life. He did regret after initiating the break-up, but tried not to look back because he understood the exact repercussions and that she deserved someone who could grant her the time and company she needed. Both found it hard to let go, very hard, and till today, they still present birthday and Christmas gifts to each other, and it is not emotional infidelity, but as a recognition that both respected that the relationship came to a valid ending.
Breaking-up is so hard to do, letting go can even seem impossible at some point. Sometimes people get over it much easier than the other, some take years to let go. Usually the initiator takes a grand total of 3 minutes after the initiation to let go, especially those who had absolutely no love in the first place. What I cannot understand is; why get in a relationship at all? Just to prove that you've been there, done that? To have a hand to hold? Because it's sickening to see all your friends happily attached? Or because of that biological clock that's ticking so loud? Fine if some are that childish, and immature. But at least spare the poor soul you're about to hurt, because some do not expect agendas and simply take it for real.
I see the difference between a marriage and a dating relationship because a marriage involves much more than just a simple break-up. And even with the seriousness of a marriage, some still take it lightly like it's seasonal or the flavour of the month. Read the books from the relationship gurus'. Never have I once seen a chapter that didn't involve arguing or quarrelling simply because these small arguments and quarrels are the small pictures, and solving these will gather to make a beautiful big picture.
I only hope people will somehow realise we're not in some Mario game with 3 lives. When something fails in my life, it is carved as deep as it hurts, people around me hurt and unsure of what to do, and realistically speaking, time is my enemy and wasting it wasn't exactly what I intended to do.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
What in the world is closure?
Just how important is closure? Why do we need it? And why do we deseve it?
Imagine watching one of your most anticipated movie which ends after 3/4 of the movie, reading your favourite book with the last 3 pages torn out, a great drama serial and not being able to catch the last episode, taking an examination but never knowing the results; or a doctor does a test on you and he just tells you the results are inconclusive or that he shrugs and say "I don't know." for instance. Would anybody be satisfied with an answer which is ambiguous and vague to the anticipation of the ending, good or bad. Not knowing the ending or conclusion is very frustrating.
A closure is defined in the dictionary to be "a bringing to an end; conclusion."; "the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily on the viewer's past experience", "a sense of psychological certainty or completeness" Huh? Basically it speaks about knowledge of an ending or conclusion.
Unfortunately, in many break-ups, closure is not given either by the male or female, simply because they want out; via escapism or simply saying "it's me, not you" or "it just isn't working out" And then the magical question "WHY?" Truth is, no actual truth will be given.
In the relationship or marriage, one decides to leave, divorce, or just separate when all seemed fine and dandy with little arguments here and there. The closure they give is almost like saying, "take it or leave it, I just don't want to be with you anymore" ..... because???? love has diminished? you committed adultry? You want freedom? You met someone else? I'm too much for you?! (but usually if the problem lies with you, he would be blatantly honest, trust me)
Suddenly, nonchalance, evasiveness, and the disability to care seems to be their fortè. To find closure is impossible unless you are a mind-reader. To give closure truly is a sign of respect and bravery.
I once dated a guy whom I enjoyed my time with so much, and one day he decided he wanted out, saying he was not heading the same direction as me. I wanted commitment and my final and actual desire is to marry someone whom I love. I did love him, but he had the guts at least to be honest and told me marriage is not for him or at least he didn't see himself getting married to me, and he loved dating me, except it was going to be a waste of my time and opportunities. I truly respect this man; even though I was heart broken, the closure was given, and we are still in contact, amicable and he even confides in me with regards to him present girl-friend and problems.
And then there were those who totally disappear, no reason, no respect for others, and even if there was a reason; a real meaningless one which warrants a tight slap and a brain re-examination. I suspect such people have absolutely no EQ nor IQ.
Reasons why people want a closure is to know what went wrong, who's fault it was, how life should change, or at least a warning of whom not to look for and what you'd never want in your next partner. (Disclaimer; when the closure given is not as retarded as "I just hate the way you sleep, your cooking, your stupidity", or the classic "you love to argue when I just want peace" which in this case we will know cannot be accepted as the truth simply because it's plain stupid.)
A marriage or relationship cannot end suddenly. It shouldn't. Unless of course one believes in "not up to my standards, then scram" or "Nah, I just don't love you enough". and the classic "We're just too different, we're not compatible". WHAT THE?!??!??! What in the world happened to resolving problems, or simply thinking-through-before-action? And the best, what the hell were these people doing while dating? NOT compatible? Too different?? Couldn't this have been realised LONG BEFORE? The poor other individual will not only be given non-closure, a rude shock, but also a very lowlife mentality, and unable to move on, because they tend to take such ridiculous reasons for real. Reason? They trusted their partners too much. And these abandoner's/cowards/escapists ought to be shot, amputated, have brain damage or simply go Mars and live there. They have just damaged a life, a dream, a hope and a promise to someone whom they actually claimed to love, took the whole relationship for real, loved for real, only to be given such a rude shock while the other party walks away feeling like a king.
Imagine watching one of your most anticipated movie which ends after 3/4 of the movie, reading your favourite book with the last 3 pages torn out, a great drama serial and not being able to catch the last episode, taking an examination but never knowing the results; or a doctor does a test on you and he just tells you the results are inconclusive or that he shrugs and say "I don't know." for instance. Would anybody be satisfied with an answer which is ambiguous and vague to the anticipation of the ending, good or bad. Not knowing the ending or conclusion is very frustrating.
A closure is defined in the dictionary to be "a bringing to an end; conclusion."; "the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily on the viewer's past experience", "a sense of psychological certainty or completeness" Huh? Basically it speaks about knowledge of an ending or conclusion.
Unfortunately, in many break-ups, closure is not given either by the male or female, simply because they want out; via escapism or simply saying "it's me, not you" or "it just isn't working out" And then the magical question "WHY?" Truth is, no actual truth will be given.
In the relationship or marriage, one decides to leave, divorce, or just separate when all seemed fine and dandy with little arguments here and there. The closure they give is almost like saying, "take it or leave it, I just don't want to be with you anymore" ..... because???? love has diminished? you committed adultry? You want freedom? You met someone else? I'm too much for you?! (but usually if the problem lies with you, he would be blatantly honest, trust me)
Suddenly, nonchalance, evasiveness, and the disability to care seems to be their fortè. To find closure is impossible unless you are a mind-reader. To give closure truly is a sign of respect and bravery.
I once dated a guy whom I enjoyed my time with so much, and one day he decided he wanted out, saying he was not heading the same direction as me. I wanted commitment and my final and actual desire is to marry someone whom I love. I did love him, but he had the guts at least to be honest and told me marriage is not for him or at least he didn't see himself getting married to me, and he loved dating me, except it was going to be a waste of my time and opportunities. I truly respect this man; even though I was heart broken, the closure was given, and we are still in contact, amicable and he even confides in me with regards to him present girl-friend and problems.
And then there were those who totally disappear, no reason, no respect for others, and even if there was a reason; a real meaningless one which warrants a tight slap and a brain re-examination. I suspect such people have absolutely no EQ nor IQ.
Reasons why people want a closure is to know what went wrong, who's fault it was, how life should change, or at least a warning of whom not to look for and what you'd never want in your next partner. (Disclaimer; when the closure given is not as retarded as "I just hate the way you sleep, your cooking, your stupidity", or the classic "you love to argue when I just want peace" which in this case we will know cannot be accepted as the truth simply because it's plain stupid.)
A marriage or relationship cannot end suddenly. It shouldn't. Unless of course one believes in "not up to my standards, then scram" or "Nah, I just don't love you enough". and the classic "We're just too different, we're not compatible". WHAT THE?!??!??! What in the world happened to resolving problems, or simply thinking-through-before-action? And the best, what the hell were these people doing while dating? NOT compatible? Too different?? Couldn't this have been realised LONG BEFORE? The poor other individual will not only be given non-closure, a rude shock, but also a very lowlife mentality, and unable to move on, because they tend to take such ridiculous reasons for real. Reason? They trusted their partners too much. And these abandoner's/cowards/escapists ought to be shot, amputated, have brain damage or simply go Mars and live there. They have just damaged a life, a dream, a hope and a promise to someone whom they actually claimed to love, took the whole relationship for real, loved for real, only to be given such a rude shock while the other party walks away feeling like a king.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Loving the idea of being in love?
Someone recently commented that I couldn't wait to marry because I was so in love with the idea of being married. I do not deny loving the idea of being in love, having someone to share my life with, being interdependent on each other, and doing things together. Which also doesn't mean anyone will do. No Tom, Dick nor Harry is able to do so, and if done that way, I'd rather not be in love, simply because I can't even start loving. Isn't it a distasteful thought to be in the same room who irritates the day lights out of you, who cannot stop getting you disgusted with the 'love' he/she is trying to show in hope for some reciprocation?
So essentially, to love being in love is not wrong, it's only gonna make one feel better loved and to have a high-confidence to love wholeheartedly. If one detests being in love either has excess baggage or emotionally low self-esteem. And these people shouldn't mislead anyone from sexual attraction as love. That is blatantly lying to oneself and cheating the other individual's feelings; buy a sex toy instead.
I feel it's rather unconditional and self-respecting to love someone I find that I am attracted to and like very much, to love and is reciprocated; this love is one which grows and is very difficult to break. I never believed in anyone enjoying being in love hence taking any passing fish in the sea to love. That is the ingredient for a relationship or marriage failure.
I will not and will never attempt to show love for someone for the sake of being in love or even marriage for that matter. Simply because love is an emotion. It was ingrained into us as babies. Our mothers use touch and their voice to show their love. And we learn that love involves touch and communication. The father is also of course another important factor to show love. If both parents are loving to the child, the child will learn to love without obligation or with a deliberately unwilling attempt.
Ever heard of broken families produce children who do not know how to love or are unable to express themselves? Simply because love has not been presented to them nor committed to them by a pair of loving parents. If a child is brought up by a single parent they learn to detest being in love, or simply trust every word their estranged parent says about love. They take this parent as an example of how marriages fail and hence, inevitably and subconsciously ruin their own love relationships. This can also be due to their unrealistic expectations since they never had a realistic example to prove what a marriage really is. To them, a relationship or marriage is either all candy, dandy and perfect, or one that is doomed to fail.
I was brought up with loving parents, who loved all 3 of us, gave us enough attention; care and concern and protected us from external hurt and fed helpful advice. We now view love realistically that whether in a relationship or marriage that the good and bad exist. I also know from them that there is never ever a perfect love or marriage. We are still our own person even though bounded by love. Whereas when hard times come about "for better or worse", they both share the difficulties as well as problems.
Hence, the easiest way for anyone who is confident and able to love wholeheartedly is to understand candies are for kids, hearty balloons for new couples. Quarrels and fights (NOT ABUSE) are inevitable and is the only possible way to nurture the relationship and also to teach their children that couplehood is not always all about lovey-dovey, kisses and hugs.
Children also know from young that when they do not do well in school, behave badly, or disappoint their parents that their parents do not hate them, and they only lecture them out of love. Parents are the ultimate examples children learn from since young. If violence is apparent in that marriage, the children will adopt violence as a solution to problems. If divorce is the easy way out for their parents or escaping from the family problems leading to desertion, they easily grasp the concept of that as the solution to their future spouse. Fair? Fair if the child grew up not able to differentiate right from wrong or recognise the route and solutions their parents have chosen should not be adopted by them as well. Unfair, because they got someone hurt. They have this capability of not being able to love willingly and unconditionally because violence or desertion or escapism is their version of love.
My father told me he never grew up with his father because his mother was abandoned by my 'grandfather'. She brought 4 children up single-handedly yet extremely lovingly and the model grandma. Dad was the eldest and had to work his ass off to help out. He did not have a father figure to look up to or to respect or learn from at all even from the time he ever remembered anything from childhood. He told me men like him and even men who come from unbalanced families can learn to eventually be responsible and learn to be a husband, a good one in dad's case, a respectable one and a very nurturing father. He told me he is still learning and will always be learning. When my eldest sibling was born, he learnt to be a father and a husband to a wife who was a new mother. But when my second sibling was born, he learnt from experience, but because it was now again his first time being a father to THIS baby, it was all a new learning curve again. And then came me; which was once and again a brand new lesson to learn.
In fact in all relationships people enter into, it is never comparable and never should be compared to the last one, simply because it is NEVER THE SAME. No two relationships are ever the same. And IF that individual feels that the same problem arises again and again in all the relationships they get into, then it's time to admit that the problem does not lie with the people they choose to be in a relationship with; but there is a problem with themselves not having enough guts to choose to let go of the past and start anew, just like every baby is a brand new life, never the same as another, or a natural catastrophe is never the same as the previous disaster.
As for me, I love being in love, looking at my parents so in love after 35 years of marriage, countless arguments, tolerance and new experiences with different children, they are definitely my role model enough for me to say that I DO love the idea of being in love and would love the idea of a marriage with someone I can give my all to and be reciprocated in some way because we will be madly in love with each other. I aim to be better than my parents and become a role model couple.
Remember; never marry or date someone simply because of loving the idea or feeling of simply being in love or wanting to marry as if it's an experiment or to get out of the house. I have met 3 siblings who grew up in a family with an escapist absent parent and a quite perfectionist and demanding parent whom isn't all too self-sacrificing... let's just say an opposite of my grandma. One got married and is a responsible man a loving father to a daughter which came from his wife's previous marriage; the other is a learning to be a loving and responsible father, and one is unrealistic in terms of expectations; a chilled-out candy-dandy chaser, a deserter and no doubt responsible to his truly loved ones, but a disappointing other-half. So, it is never impossible that a 'bad' or 'unfair' childhood produces children who are hopeless... well, at least the is 1 1/2 of them turned out well.
It is simply unjustifiable to say that I got married simply because I loved the idea and feeling of loving and having a husband. How insulting, for if that was the case I would probably have been married or loved randomly picked people far too many times.
So essentially, to love being in love is not wrong, it's only gonna make one feel better loved and to have a high-confidence to love wholeheartedly. If one detests being in love either has excess baggage or emotionally low self-esteem. And these people shouldn't mislead anyone from sexual attraction as love. That is blatantly lying to oneself and cheating the other individual's feelings; buy a sex toy instead.
I feel it's rather unconditional and self-respecting to love someone I find that I am attracted to and like very much, to love and is reciprocated; this love is one which grows and is very difficult to break. I never believed in anyone enjoying being in love hence taking any passing fish in the sea to love. That is the ingredient for a relationship or marriage failure.
I will not and will never attempt to show love for someone for the sake of being in love or even marriage for that matter. Simply because love is an emotion. It was ingrained into us as babies. Our mothers use touch and their voice to show their love. And we learn that love involves touch and communication. The father is also of course another important factor to show love. If both parents are loving to the child, the child will learn to love without obligation or with a deliberately unwilling attempt.
Ever heard of broken families produce children who do not know how to love or are unable to express themselves? Simply because love has not been presented to them nor committed to them by a pair of loving parents. If a child is brought up by a single parent they learn to detest being in love, or simply trust every word their estranged parent says about love. They take this parent as an example of how marriages fail and hence, inevitably and subconsciously ruin their own love relationships. This can also be due to their unrealistic expectations since they never had a realistic example to prove what a marriage really is. To them, a relationship or marriage is either all candy, dandy and perfect, or one that is doomed to fail.
I was brought up with loving parents, who loved all 3 of us, gave us enough attention; care and concern and protected us from external hurt and fed helpful advice. We now view love realistically that whether in a relationship or marriage that the good and bad exist. I also know from them that there is never ever a perfect love or marriage. We are still our own person even though bounded by love. Whereas when hard times come about "for better or worse", they both share the difficulties as well as problems.
Hence, the easiest way for anyone who is confident and able to love wholeheartedly is to understand candies are for kids, hearty balloons for new couples. Quarrels and fights (NOT ABUSE) are inevitable and is the only possible way to nurture the relationship and also to teach their children that couplehood is not always all about lovey-dovey, kisses and hugs.
Children also know from young that when they do not do well in school, behave badly, or disappoint their parents that their parents do not hate them, and they only lecture them out of love. Parents are the ultimate examples children learn from since young. If violence is apparent in that marriage, the children will adopt violence as a solution to problems. If divorce is the easy way out for their parents or escaping from the family problems leading to desertion, they easily grasp the concept of that as the solution to their future spouse. Fair? Fair if the child grew up not able to differentiate right from wrong or recognise the route and solutions their parents have chosen should not be adopted by them as well. Unfair, because they got someone hurt. They have this capability of not being able to love willingly and unconditionally because violence or desertion or escapism is their version of love.
My father told me he never grew up with his father because his mother was abandoned by my 'grandfather'. She brought 4 children up single-handedly yet extremely lovingly and the model grandma. Dad was the eldest and had to work his ass off to help out. He did not have a father figure to look up to or to respect or learn from at all even from the time he ever remembered anything from childhood. He told me men like him and even men who come from unbalanced families can learn to eventually be responsible and learn to be a husband, a good one in dad's case, a respectable one and a very nurturing father. He told me he is still learning and will always be learning. When my eldest sibling was born, he learnt to be a father and a husband to a wife who was a new mother. But when my second sibling was born, he learnt from experience, but because it was now again his first time being a father to THIS baby, it was all a new learning curve again. And then came me; which was once and again a brand new lesson to learn.
In fact in all relationships people enter into, it is never comparable and never should be compared to the last one, simply because it is NEVER THE SAME. No two relationships are ever the same. And IF that individual feels that the same problem arises again and again in all the relationships they get into, then it's time to admit that the problem does not lie with the people they choose to be in a relationship with; but there is a problem with themselves not having enough guts to choose to let go of the past and start anew, just like every baby is a brand new life, never the same as another, or a natural catastrophe is never the same as the previous disaster.
As for me, I love being in love, looking at my parents so in love after 35 years of marriage, countless arguments, tolerance and new experiences with different children, they are definitely my role model enough for me to say that I DO love the idea of being in love and would love the idea of a marriage with someone I can give my all to and be reciprocated in some way because we will be madly in love with each other. I aim to be better than my parents and become a role model couple.
Remember; never marry or date someone simply because of loving the idea or feeling of simply being in love or wanting to marry as if it's an experiment or to get out of the house. I have met 3 siblings who grew up in a family with an escapist absent parent and a quite perfectionist and demanding parent whom isn't all too self-sacrificing... let's just say an opposite of my grandma. One got married and is a responsible man a loving father to a daughter which came from his wife's previous marriage; the other is a learning to be a loving and responsible father, and one is unrealistic in terms of expectations; a chilled-out candy-dandy chaser, a deserter and no doubt responsible to his truly loved ones, but a disappointing other-half. So, it is never impossible that a 'bad' or 'unfair' childhood produces children who are hopeless... well, at least the is 1 1/2 of them turned out well.
It is simply unjustifiable to say that I got married simply because I loved the idea and feeling of loving and having a husband. How insulting, for if that was the case I would probably have been married or loved randomly picked people far too many times.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Chemistry between men and women
What the hell is chemistry, and what does it mean to you?
(A) the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter.
(B) chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.
(C) the interaction of one personality with another
(D) any or all of the elements that make up something
All these are definitions taken from a dictionary. Imagine adding too much baking soda to water and the effervescence overflows; then simmers down, add more, and it comes up again... add too little water to the baking soda, almost nothing happens except that little bit of effervescence. Put a mentos into some coke and you get a huge explosion.
What has this got to do with relationships though? Perhaps say the man is the baking soda, and the woman, the water. Or whichever way it is, love is the effervescence which increases, simmers then increases again when one gives more love again. It's a little like a roller coaster, but one worth riding on, much better than a monotonous relationship with no excitement. What a bore.
However, when one is a mentos; sweet and yummy and the other, coca cola; cool and refreshing. What a candy dandy combination? Guess not.
I'd rather be the water or baking soda.
Some people may think they have the chemistry for each other. Unfortunately, it isn't always the case. Some cause explosions, some create a beautiful colour of a solution, some are right combinations, some wrong and some with residue which I'd like to think as problems unresolved.
When I told my dad about the partner I adored, he didn't see the compatibility because I didn't seem to usually date such partners. He wasn't condemning my choice, just wondering what is so special about this person is to steal his precious baby's heart. When I told dad, the chemistry is there strong, and when he heard that, he gave me the go-ahead and encouraged me to make it work.
When it failed, dad lovingly explained to me that having chemistry didn't exactly mean the good kind of chemistry. It could be the baking soda and water or the mentos and coke. What went wrong though? Chemical reactions are hard to predict. Given different quantities of different elements, it could be a great and successful combination; it's the same difference for the opposite. However, if one forces one element to react with another could either create a desirable combination; or an explosion waiting to happen.
What kind of relationships are good chemical combinations? Beats me... I'll reveal it when I know. Except for now, the suspected planned mentos and coke explosion took me by surprise but what wasn't surprising was all the residue left.
Both chemicals can be of such different characteristics but combine to result in something useful, whilst chemicals of similar characteristics combine to be disasters. The possibilities are endless, but the methophric explanation is as true as it gets with the relationship between men and women.
2 people who meet and fall in love is also known as 'chemistry'. How often have I heard my friends tell me all about the chemistry between them and their boyfriends and I know what they mean straight away, but when they do breakup, it became a chemical reaction gone wrong... may it be an explosion from the mixing of different chemicals or just the different quantity of each.
Whatever the case, chemistry between 2 people are still essential to build a strong relationship; as long as the explosion ain't as great as to destroy the people around and love you.
(A) the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter.
(B) chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.
(C) the interaction of one personality with another
(D) any or all of the elements that make up something
All these are definitions taken from a dictionary. Imagine adding too much baking soda to water and the effervescence overflows; then simmers down, add more, and it comes up again... add too little water to the baking soda, almost nothing happens except that little bit of effervescence. Put a mentos into some coke and you get a huge explosion.
What has this got to do with relationships though? Perhaps say the man is the baking soda, and the woman, the water. Or whichever way it is, love is the effervescence which increases, simmers then increases again when one gives more love again. It's a little like a roller coaster, but one worth riding on, much better than a monotonous relationship with no excitement. What a bore.
However, when one is a mentos; sweet and yummy and the other, coca cola; cool and refreshing. What a candy dandy combination? Guess not.
I'd rather be the water or baking soda.
Some people may think they have the chemistry for each other. Unfortunately, it isn't always the case. Some cause explosions, some create a beautiful colour of a solution, some are right combinations, some wrong and some with residue which I'd like to think as problems unresolved.
When I told my dad about the partner I adored, he didn't see the compatibility because I didn't seem to usually date such partners. He wasn't condemning my choice, just wondering what is so special about this person is to steal his precious baby's heart. When I told dad, the chemistry is there strong, and when he heard that, he gave me the go-ahead and encouraged me to make it work.
When it failed, dad lovingly explained to me that having chemistry didn't exactly mean the good kind of chemistry. It could be the baking soda and water or the mentos and coke. What went wrong though? Chemical reactions are hard to predict. Given different quantities of different elements, it could be a great and successful combination; it's the same difference for the opposite. However, if one forces one element to react with another could either create a desirable combination; or an explosion waiting to happen.
What kind of relationships are good chemical combinations? Beats me... I'll reveal it when I know. Except for now, the suspected planned mentos and coke explosion took me by surprise but what wasn't surprising was all the residue left.
Both chemicals can be of such different characteristics but combine to result in something useful, whilst chemicals of similar characteristics combine to be disasters. The possibilities are endless, but the methophric explanation is as true as it gets with the relationship between men and women.
2 people who meet and fall in love is also known as 'chemistry'. How often have I heard my friends tell me all about the chemistry between them and their boyfriends and I know what they mean straight away, but when they do breakup, it became a chemical reaction gone wrong... may it be an explosion from the mixing of different chemicals or just the different quantity of each.
Whatever the case, chemistry between 2 people are still essential to build a strong relationship; as long as the explosion ain't as great as to destroy the people around and love you.
What the hell is compatibility and character compatibility in relationships?
All the factors in a relationship come from the matter of compatibility. What in the world is that? People tend to think compatibility is all about 'looking good together'. Whenever we see a good looking couple, what right do we have to say they are in a happy relationship? Well of course looks are important, it creates an itching desire to try out and see if both are compatible for each other. Don't most relationships begin this way?
Never have I heard anyone saying "That guy/girl is so ugly, but that should mean they have a nice character, hence I think we should be compatible." The irony of it all, some truly happy couples really do fall into the category of one being a looker and the other more suitable with a doggy bag over the head.
The dictionary defines compatibility as "capable of existing or living together in harmony (in a relationship)" and character as " the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing; an account of the qualities or peculiarities of a person or thing; moral or ethical quality" (abstracted from well... a dictionary) Does it mean that if one is in love with Korean Drama serials and the other party as well, that they are compatible? Yes AND no. Well at least, there is no fighting over the remote control, but can this be considered to be love or compatibility in a relationship? Then in that case just too many people are compatible. So what if you have many similarities and hobbies or likes and pet peeves and happen to love each other. Great! But compatibility is not all about that. Have we ignored the characters of each individual?
Having similar preferences in hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc. does not equate to character compatibility. In fact, in my opinion, character compatibility has little to do with enjoying similar activities and doing things together. Of course that would be a bonus.
Many match-making agencies tend to use family status, financial compatibility, looks, education levels, age and the most absurd so far; blood type to pair couples. Does it really work? Beats me. Well, of course these 'couples' have lesser differences in terms of their merits and characteristics. But can they get along and be able to live together?
The reason for many failed relationships and marriages are irreconciliable differences; so what if they both love rock-climbing, swimming, weight-lifting and what have you, those are just activities you can enjoy together, but it is often what's between our shoulders , our ethics and morals which is the talking point. Two can be very similar, of course, during good times, things are well.... fine and dandy. When an argument arises, 2 people with similar characters can be a disaster waiting to happen especially when both are strong willed, stubborn, unable to give and take, unwilling to compromise because they both think they are right and there is no room for compromise.
On the contrary, if both carry a cavity between their shoulders and do not have a mind of their own, there is no leadership in the relationship and both will just end up being aimless in life, with the common goal of not having a goal. These couples take the government as their leader and have the 2.4 kids, 1.3 cars, and live together aimlessly, and quite possibly no arguments can arise because both are so agreeable to each other.
I believe in how opposites attract. Well, at least one would have a stronger character to be the leader (hopefully this is the guy) and there would be a follower or they could exchange roles in differing situations. Both are able to input differing thoughts and solutions to problems they may encounter. "OOOOhh I didn't think of that!? You're awesome!"
Of course with that kind of differences, it would be inevitable to have more arguments, but at least each input of solutions differ and there will be more choices. Isn't that how couples learn to live in harmony? This comes with a disclaimer that the individuals have an open mind to accept differing points of view. Then there would be a higher chance of giving and taking with no grudges. This is not compatibility in terms of looks, status, bla bla bla, or shared activities, but more so character compatibility.
If both parties already like say.... roller-blading, cool! The initial periods would be fun doing activities together, but without that character compatibility, will that similar liking for roller-blading be their only reason to sustain the relationship? I don't think so, I think blading away from each other as fast as possible would be a smarter option.
Of course when once character compatibility is established, next comes the sharing of lives, experiences, thoughts, and being able to introduce new activities to do and take part in. I love sitting in front of my laptop (no prizes for guessing), sipping my wine, enjoying some nostalgic music or jazz, or new age, whichever that might suit my mood. This does not mean if my hypothetical other half prefers to get himself all muddy and chase a ball with 11 other men, that we are not compatible; perhaps in activities, but not necessarily in character.
Take my folks for instance. Dad loves... or rather devotes all his free time to travelling, even taking the MRT (which he finds amusing) but mum enjoys chatting on the phone, watching drama serials, karaoke or poking her nose in her lovely children's lives. However, once each are done with their activities, they get back together and share their activities of their day. I do not see dad karaoke-ing, neither do I see mum 'enjoying' MRT rides, but only taking it as a good alternative to driving and fighting for lots. I love the way they sometimes make fun of each other like the very type of relationship I would love to have. Dad now takes mum travelling too, and she is beginning to love it, not the food, but the change of weather and environment. Even at this age, they are still growing to love each other more and more just like a young couple. Dad also introduced mum to watching plays, and now she keeps a look out for any suitable plays and gets dad to go along with her.
They may not be compatible in the activities they prefer, however, their characters are on the same page. One is usually a giver (mum) and dad, a taker. But they are living together very happily (there is no bargaining or true equality in fairness in a happy relationship). I have heard and seen arguments between them, and how dad loves mocking mum in that child-like manner, and mum takes it with grace (and an angry face which eventually breaks out into a laughter). How the hell do you think this character compatibility is not true when they have 2 quite lovely boys and 1 totally endearing and lovely girl. Oh and I forgot to add, me, being the youngest, and the child they really didn't plan for, luckily for me, they both agreed that I was God's gift... TADAH!!!! Am I not?
Of course, mum could have given up on dad since she did have a better choice out there to be able to support her, but she chose dad since they each saw in them their futures together. They have faced bad and good times, struggled through life, worked like hell to be able to put some food on the table, but they stuck together, since they had that common goal, and character compatiblility to want to bring up great and respectable kids, and be able to provide for them.... The rest is history. Till today, they are still sticking by each other, loving each other till death do they part. *me so proud of them*
This is a obviously a highly debatable topic, and this is only my point of view, which of course you are entitled to -- or not.
Never have I heard anyone saying "That guy/girl is so ugly, but that should mean they have a nice character, hence I think we should be compatible." The irony of it all, some truly happy couples really do fall into the category of one being a looker and the other more suitable with a doggy bag over the head.
The dictionary defines compatibility as "capable of existing or living together in harmony (in a relationship)" and character as " the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing; an account of the qualities or peculiarities of a person or thing; moral or ethical quality" (abstracted from well... a dictionary) Does it mean that if one is in love with Korean Drama serials and the other party as well, that they are compatible? Yes AND no. Well at least, there is no fighting over the remote control, but can this be considered to be love or compatibility in a relationship? Then in that case just too many people are compatible. So what if you have many similarities and hobbies or likes and pet peeves and happen to love each other. Great! But compatibility is not all about that. Have we ignored the characters of each individual?
Having similar preferences in hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc. does not equate to character compatibility. In fact, in my opinion, character compatibility has little to do with enjoying similar activities and doing things together. Of course that would be a bonus.
Many match-making agencies tend to use family status, financial compatibility, looks, education levels, age and the most absurd so far; blood type to pair couples. Does it really work? Beats me. Well, of course these 'couples' have lesser differences in terms of their merits and characteristics. But can they get along and be able to live together?
The reason for many failed relationships and marriages are irreconciliable differences; so what if they both love rock-climbing, swimming, weight-lifting and what have you, those are just activities you can enjoy together, but it is often what's between our shoulders , our ethics and morals which is the talking point. Two can be very similar, of course, during good times, things are well.... fine and dandy. When an argument arises, 2 people with similar characters can be a disaster waiting to happen especially when both are strong willed, stubborn, unable to give and take, unwilling to compromise because they both think they are right and there is no room for compromise.
On the contrary, if both carry a cavity between their shoulders and do not have a mind of their own, there is no leadership in the relationship and both will just end up being aimless in life, with the common goal of not having a goal. These couples take the government as their leader and have the 2.4 kids, 1.3 cars, and live together aimlessly, and quite possibly no arguments can arise because both are so agreeable to each other.
I believe in how opposites attract. Well, at least one would have a stronger character to be the leader (hopefully this is the guy) and there would be a follower or they could exchange roles in differing situations. Both are able to input differing thoughts and solutions to problems they may encounter. "OOOOhh I didn't think of that!? You're awesome!"
Of course with that kind of differences, it would be inevitable to have more arguments, but at least each input of solutions differ and there will be more choices. Isn't that how couples learn to live in harmony? This comes with a disclaimer that the individuals have an open mind to accept differing points of view. Then there would be a higher chance of giving and taking with no grudges. This is not compatibility in terms of looks, status, bla bla bla, or shared activities, but more so character compatibility.
If both parties already like say.... roller-blading, cool! The initial periods would be fun doing activities together, but without that character compatibility, will that similar liking for roller-blading be their only reason to sustain the relationship? I don't think so, I think blading away from each other as fast as possible would be a smarter option.
Of course when once character compatibility is established, next comes the sharing of lives, experiences, thoughts, and being able to introduce new activities to do and take part in. I love sitting in front of my laptop (no prizes for guessing), sipping my wine, enjoying some nostalgic music or jazz, or new age, whichever that might suit my mood. This does not mean if my hypothetical other half prefers to get himself all muddy and chase a ball with 11 other men, that we are not compatible; perhaps in activities, but not necessarily in character.
Take my folks for instance. Dad loves... or rather devotes all his free time to travelling, even taking the MRT (which he finds amusing) but mum enjoys chatting on the phone, watching drama serials, karaoke or poking her nose in her lovely children's lives. However, once each are done with their activities, they get back together and share their activities of their day. I do not see dad karaoke-ing, neither do I see mum 'enjoying' MRT rides, but only taking it as a good alternative to driving and fighting for lots. I love the way they sometimes make fun of each other like the very type of relationship I would love to have. Dad now takes mum travelling too, and she is beginning to love it, not the food, but the change of weather and environment. Even at this age, they are still growing to love each other more and more just like a young couple. Dad also introduced mum to watching plays, and now she keeps a look out for any suitable plays and gets dad to go along with her.
They may not be compatible in the activities they prefer, however, their characters are on the same page. One is usually a giver (mum) and dad, a taker. But they are living together very happily (there is no bargaining or true equality in fairness in a happy relationship). I have heard and seen arguments between them, and how dad loves mocking mum in that child-like manner, and mum takes it with grace (and an angry face which eventually breaks out into a laughter). How the hell do you think this character compatibility is not true when they have 2 quite lovely boys and 1 totally endearing and lovely girl. Oh and I forgot to add, me, being the youngest, and the child they really didn't plan for, luckily for me, they both agreed that I was God's gift... TADAH!!!! Am I not?
Of course, mum could have given up on dad since she did have a better choice out there to be able to support her, but she chose dad since they each saw in them their futures together. They have faced bad and good times, struggled through life, worked like hell to be able to put some food on the table, but they stuck together, since they had that common goal, and character compatiblility to want to bring up great and respectable kids, and be able to provide for them.... The rest is history. Till today, they are still sticking by each other, loving each other till death do they part. *me so proud of them*
This is a obviously a highly debatable topic, and this is only my point of view, which of course you are entitled to -- or not.
GIving and giving; where's the taking?
Some ask, why do I share my thoughts and feelings about love, relationships, marriages or matters of the like and then publish them like my word are God-sent or that I'm an expert in this topic. Well, I'm merely sharing the hypothetical.
No, I am no expert in this topic; neither am I a self-righteous egomaniac who expects full agreement from anyone, yes, I stress, ANYONE. On the contrary, I am not even close to being eligible to comment on these thought. Take it that I'm speaking as a jaded, despondent, babe in woods individual sharing failures to the all. I do not force my thoughts to any particular individual, so that that some points I raise could be the very situation you are in and that I have hit the right spot.
For those living in the current era would probably have heard that love is all about give and take. Really? Who's giving and who's taking? Or are the roles switched for suitable occasions? Of course I do not rebuke that advice; however, when 2 are involved, who is the referee to blow the whistle to warrant the taker to snigger and happily take and command the giver to grudgingly give? Alright, that was an exaggeration. In such instances, there is a high chance that the giver will end up giving most of the time, and the taker, taking advantage of the seasoned giver for granted, happily receives. Oh no... sounds like we have a Santa in the house.
Having said that, when do we know when to give and when to take? My guess, both parties have to give and take at the same time. Give forgiveness and pardon the mistake of the other party, and take part of the blame. A problem is a problem when someone knowingly or not has done wrong to the other and hence hurting the other, but because both are supposed to be a team, and of course being involved, both parties should bear the consequences. When issues arise, both parties can be equally right or wrong, or should at least share the faults. NO, I DO NOT defend those who commit adultery of betrayal of trust or to any unforgivable mistakes that is obvious enough for anyone to differentiate right from wrong. How many times people who commit adultery blame the other party for not satisfying them, or being absent and not giving emotional support, hence forcing the other to seek 'love' and 'solace out there. I am not one to judge if this is the right way to seek attention from the spouse, but one thing I know, their morals are absolutely wrong and have no justification for these actions.
Fortunately, we have all been given this valuable yet sometimes intervening feeling called 'guilt' and 'gut feel'. When guilt hits one, the tendency to lie, or escape is high. And this guilt can snowball problems from one as tiny as a pebble to as huge as an iceberg (and I'm not referring to the tip). For instance, a man may present his wife/girlfriend with a huge bunch of her favourite flowers "for no apparent reason" (Disclaimer, don't jump on him and be highly suspicious if it is a special occasion, don't misconstrue my words). The fine line, there IS a tugging guilt in him to see the need to pacify her hopefully to suppress any guilt he has within him for some mistake she might even be oblivious to. This is his form of appeasing and gaining 'forgiveness', and often one's gut feel will sense something is amiss. This, of course is not exclusive to the male, but also to the female of the species, and their tactics are usually of a different kind; like offering more intimacy, being extraordinarily accommodating and tolerant to the usual things that he does which irks her.
The smart thing to do is (1) act normally as you would (2) don't be extra accommodating (3) don't pick on your other half (4) get a divorce (5) murder the spouse (6) be monogamous and faithful. Whichever your choice, well at least it solves the problem right?
Oh, and of course, have a Merry Christmas!
No, I am no expert in this topic; neither am I a self-righteous egomaniac who expects full agreement from anyone, yes, I stress, ANYONE. On the contrary, I am not even close to being eligible to comment on these thought. Take it that I'm speaking as a jaded, despondent, babe in woods individual sharing failures to the all. I do not force my thoughts to any particular individual, so that that some points I raise could be the very situation you are in and that I have hit the right spot.
For those living in the current era would probably have heard that love is all about give and take. Really? Who's giving and who's taking? Or are the roles switched for suitable occasions? Of course I do not rebuke that advice; however, when 2 are involved, who is the referee to blow the whistle to warrant the taker to snigger and happily take and command the giver to grudgingly give? Alright, that was an exaggeration. In such instances, there is a high chance that the giver will end up giving most of the time, and the taker, taking advantage of the seasoned giver for granted, happily receives. Oh no... sounds like we have a Santa in the house.
Having said that, when do we know when to give and when to take? My guess, both parties have to give and take at the same time. Give forgiveness and pardon the mistake of the other party, and take part of the blame. A problem is a problem when someone knowingly or not has done wrong to the other and hence hurting the other, but because both are supposed to be a team, and of course being involved, both parties should bear the consequences. When issues arise, both parties can be equally right or wrong, or should at least share the faults. NO, I DO NOT defend those who commit adultery of betrayal of trust or to any unforgivable mistakes that is obvious enough for anyone to differentiate right from wrong. How many times people who commit adultery blame the other party for not satisfying them, or being absent and not giving emotional support, hence forcing the other to seek 'love' and 'solace out there. I am not one to judge if this is the right way to seek attention from the spouse, but one thing I know, their morals are absolutely wrong and have no justification for these actions.
Fortunately, we have all been given this valuable yet sometimes intervening feeling called 'guilt' and 'gut feel'. When guilt hits one, the tendency to lie, or escape is high. And this guilt can snowball problems from one as tiny as a pebble to as huge as an iceberg (and I'm not referring to the tip). For instance, a man may present his wife/girlfriend with a huge bunch of her favourite flowers "for no apparent reason" (Disclaimer, don't jump on him and be highly suspicious if it is a special occasion, don't misconstrue my words). The fine line, there IS a tugging guilt in him to see the need to pacify her hopefully to suppress any guilt he has within him for some mistake she might even be oblivious to. This is his form of appeasing and gaining 'forgiveness', and often one's gut feel will sense something is amiss. This, of course is not exclusive to the male, but also to the female of the species, and their tactics are usually of a different kind; like offering more intimacy, being extraordinarily accommodating and tolerant to the usual things that he does which irks her.
The smart thing to do is (1) act normally as you would (2) don't be extra accommodating (3) don't pick on your other half (4) get a divorce (5) murder the spouse (6) be monogamous and faithful. Whichever your choice, well at least it solves the problem right?
Oh, and of course, have a Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The hardest work you'll ever love (3)
When marriage is taken seriously, trials, conflict, exhaustion occurs inevitably; simply because it is hard work. Couples can quarrel, yell at each other, use harsh words they would later wish they could take back, scream, cry or walk out for a breather. However, at the end of the day, they still acknowledge and will eventually work through it all to be together.
The easiest way to see how much marriages mean to couples, is to watch their reactions when a disaster, catastrophe or even simply when people go against them. See how they protect and defend each other, the love will then exude and it can be seen that the marriage is a true epitome of being one entity and is one to be proud of, despite the little hiccups.
I once read that a marriage never happens without hard work. When it is successful, and fulfilling, it would be the hardest work you'll ever love. I hold this dearly in my heart and totally agree with what it means.
Sometimes, a marriage fails due to total incompatibility or love was never in the picture. This is where the marriage was doomed from day one. On the contrary, some fail due to extreme familiarity, and familiarity easily breeds contempt to a point that the love is stagnant and almost can be described as stale, and if nothing is done to reignite that flame, it's essentially doomed.
Besides all these unwarranted, invalid excuses for the marriage to happen at all, all marriages CAN and WILL WORK when both parties agree to try hard enough.
There isn't a guideline as to how long one should date before marriage; we have seen marriages that happen within a month last 'till death do us part', we have seen marriages fail after 30 years.
Arguments are bound to happen; conflicts will definitely occur; disagreements are inevitable. In fact, these have been 'created' to bring people closer, to understand each other better, and to help each other love the other better. Unless of course, one marries someone who has absolutely no mind of their own, no opinions, has the intellect of a cow or simply is a mail order bride.
A marriage is meant to be forever, "till death do us part". The whole vow basically talks about partnership and how mutual respect and support has to be given be it good or bad times.
If only divorce had been banned, and made a criminal offence (of course excluding abuse cases), then we will see those who truly are in love and still insist on marrying. But of course there will be many de facto relationships where commitment can easily be broken too. Seen those who celebrated their 70th anniversary? Well, my folks are halfway there, and I'm proud of them.
Some take the vow and carve it in their minds, some just recite it as a required ritual. Due to the convenience of ridding of the other party by hiring a lawyer who plays the devil's advocate, and simply paying for the other party to get lost, divorce has become some sort of a fashion statement and disgustingly described as "the easiest way out", "stop wasting time" and the latest phrase used "cut losses". It's like saying "I've been through marriage and divorce; I've been through more, so whatdya know?" For individuals of such mentality; good riddance to bad rubbish.
Is marriage just a game? Yes and no. Who wants to lose in a game? Akin to a game you love to play, you'd want to win. You'd try your best and try over and over again in the same game so as to finally win. On the other hand, "no", because a game may bore some halfway and when someone loses interest in the game, it's essentially, 'game over'. Saying that, marriage should never be taken as a joke. One party will be the genuine suffering one while the other only eventually found the joke not funny / fun anymore; hence end it all. And the joker ought to be hammered with the X-Box/PSP/PS3/W II to death.
Individuals who fail in a marriage are only validly respectable and admirable when they are victims of abuse or adultery is committed against them, or when the other party is simply a giver-upper after 'trying their best"..Hmm... makes me wonder if emotional infidelity and emotional torment is part of that negative equation too. If a couple has children and still do fail in a marriage has obviously not tried hard enough, because they've been through 2 rounds of tests... 1. having enough love to marry, 2. having enough love to bear children. (Let's not get to the baby-bonus BS)
It takes loads of guts, commitment, mental stability and sacrifices, not to mention love, but also to marry (for those who do not take it as a joke or a dry run of course). Instead of one, now each party has to think for two. So whenever anyone says 'I've tried my best" yet still heads for a divorce, has either lost the guts , commitment or blames the other for the lack of sacrifices made, thinks too highly of their efforts when I'd highly suspect is minimal, or simply took it as a dry run or just as an 'experience' to join the divorced club. Well of course, there are genuine cases of people having tried their best alone, while the other party hasn't (to me, they deserve to end up lonely and helpless in their later lives).
In this era, divorcees are aplenty. And one party is usually the one forced into it. The other unsuspecting victim who has tried so hard, committed everything and sacrificed for the other, just has to accept that 1 hand can only slap, not clap; 1 leg can only limp, not walk; 1 heart can only beat and not love.
"I'm not ready", "I can't commit yet", "I'm not the marriage sort", "I do not want to lose my freedom", "I don't know if I can make you happy", "I get cold-feet thinking of marriage or commitment"; are the most common phrases coming from cowards or caitiffs who have absolutely no guts to say that they are too selfish to love another; hence wasting the precious time of the other party given on earth. These individuals utilise such excuses to hide behind a curtain of selfishness to keep their freedom while tying someone else down and giving false hopes. If commitment or marriage never came to mind, spare the poor souls out there who want to lead the normal life, and stop giving empty promises. These are the losers, the cowards, the players who warrant no respect; I'd even respect a murderer more... at least he had the bloody guts to commit the crime.
In my honest opinion, every marriage is workable, except the hopeless losers mentioned above. A marriage begins with love, then the want to commit, hence the desire to be together forever. If both are willing to take a step back and think why they were together in the first place, their quarrels and conflict will then tend to appear less severe and hence easier recognise that they are more willing to let go. Nobody needs to win or lose in an argument. There is no right or wrong either. Marriages are not debates. As long as the solution is the best for working towards the betterment of the marriage, winning will no longer be an issue. Marriages are meant to work with the help of 2 willing and loving people, working together in partnership and not against each other. With this winning solution, they wouldn't even realise they are falling in love over and over again with each other all the time.
The willingness to ignore pride and admit a mistake is a true sign of love. When one has done wrong, it would not kill to apologise... simply because the other party was hurt in some way. But this is not a disclaimer to do just about anything with deliberation of at least an expectation to hurt the other and then simply apologise to expect pardon.
Acknowledge also that marriage in the earliest years are the hardest to overcome, and if one can do so; which many have, are respectable enough to have the guts to go through all the teething problems together. This is the time when one learns to live with another, learn to respect the other and agree to go through hard and good times together where the hard times happen more often, learn their habits, good or bad, nominal or huge, share their space and be considerate to each other. This can not only eliminate insecurity but also build confidence in each other. There will be issues involving toilet habits, finances, in-laws, time allocation, consideration, acceptance of differences, all issues, big or small will still be issues to either overcome, or accept. Sacrifices made by either party also should not be compared. Fair or not fair. Simply because of love, one may be willing to sacrifice everything, no doubt seemingly unfair, but still a winning solution which makes the marriage happy. A couple who would do anything to make a marriage work deserves the most respect for the equation produces a win-win situation.
One cannot walk into a marriage expecting that life will still be as before. Well, of course you can if you married a nimrod. That doesn't mean one has to give up their freedom, friends, family or life. Everyone is still entitled their own space, but they do know they have their partner to seek solace in, to love, and to be with aside from all the time out there in time of good and bad, someone to go home to, and eventually to share life till they grow old together. This is where priorities matter so much. Priorities change after marriage whether you like it or not. Of course one still can enjoy their freedom, do what they love, their hobbies, and because the love and respect for the other is there, adulteries or affairs wouldn't even come across their minds. Friends are there all the time, but they will eventually have their own commitments.
Families, on the other hand are there to nurture, help in times of trouble and to share the joy of your marriage but not unnecessarily intervene and ruin it nor encourage failure If one's family fights with one partner over time allocation, finances or attention have obviously not enough love and grace to allow the couple to build what they have started. One's priority cannot and should not be dictated by anyone. Wise words from my dad, "Parents are important, but should know when to let go when the time is right, no parent wants to ruin the good in their children unless they do not have a loving heart and grace".
However, if you notice your marriage is in one of the lowest of the priority list, spare your poor partner and either shoot yourself, or wake up to see that at the end of the day, your partner is also your family, no doubt not by blood but by love. Family members slowly gain their own lives, some die, some have their own families, so eventually what's left is you and your spouse. Picture your life with your spouse in 50 years, see the comfort, see the gray hair, and the beautiful memories you would have by then, both of your blood family and your spouse.
I smile while I think of the hypothetical if a divorce does not happen, and even if not me, at least you could and would and should go through lives together and whilst your great grand children are there to learn of your precious memories and lessons they would be proud to know of.
As for me, I never believed in marriage having an expiry date unless one party dies. Some have unfortunately met someone who actually meets one of the criteria of someone you should not be with. Yes, they'd have to suffer the social stigma, because these people's solution to "marriage isn't easy, it's gonna be alot of hard work" is "the easiest way out". Unfortunately, they have to be the unsuspecting poor soul to trust the other to try their best.
But should my life be ended prematurely, my only greatest regret; signing on that dotted line in front of the people whom some of them care and love me to bits.
The easiest way to see how much marriages mean to couples, is to watch their reactions when a disaster, catastrophe or even simply when people go against them. See how they protect and defend each other, the love will then exude and it can be seen that the marriage is a true epitome of being one entity and is one to be proud of, despite the little hiccups.
I once read that a marriage never happens without hard work. When it is successful, and fulfilling, it would be the hardest work you'll ever love. I hold this dearly in my heart and totally agree with what it means.
Sometimes, a marriage fails due to total incompatibility or love was never in the picture. This is where the marriage was doomed from day one. On the contrary, some fail due to extreme familiarity, and familiarity easily breeds contempt to a point that the love is stagnant and almost can be described as stale, and if nothing is done to reignite that flame, it's essentially doomed.
Besides all these unwarranted, invalid excuses for the marriage to happen at all, all marriages CAN and WILL WORK when both parties agree to try hard enough.
There isn't a guideline as to how long one should date before marriage; we have seen marriages that happen within a month last 'till death do us part', we have seen marriages fail after 30 years.
Arguments are bound to happen; conflicts will definitely occur; disagreements are inevitable. In fact, these have been 'created' to bring people closer, to understand each other better, and to help each other love the other better. Unless of course, one marries someone who has absolutely no mind of their own, no opinions, has the intellect of a cow or simply is a mail order bride.
A marriage is meant to be forever, "till death do us part". The whole vow basically talks about partnership and how mutual respect and support has to be given be it good or bad times.
If only divorce had been banned, and made a criminal offence (of course excluding abuse cases), then we will see those who truly are in love and still insist on marrying. But of course there will be many de facto relationships where commitment can easily be broken too. Seen those who celebrated their 70th anniversary? Well, my folks are halfway there, and I'm proud of them.
Some take the vow and carve it in their minds, some just recite it as a required ritual. Due to the convenience of ridding of the other party by hiring a lawyer who plays the devil's advocate, and simply paying for the other party to get lost, divorce has become some sort of a fashion statement and disgustingly described as "the easiest way out", "stop wasting time" and the latest phrase used "cut losses". It's like saying "I've been through marriage and divorce; I've been through more, so whatdya know?" For individuals of such mentality; good riddance to bad rubbish.
Is marriage just a game? Yes and no. Who wants to lose in a game? Akin to a game you love to play, you'd want to win. You'd try your best and try over and over again in the same game so as to finally win. On the other hand, "no", because a game may bore some halfway and when someone loses interest in the game, it's essentially, 'game over'. Saying that, marriage should never be taken as a joke. One party will be the genuine suffering one while the other only eventually found the joke not funny / fun anymore; hence end it all. And the joker ought to be hammered with the X-Box/PSP/PS3/W II to death.
Individuals who fail in a marriage are only validly respectable and admirable when they are victims of abuse or adultery is committed against them, or when the other party is simply a giver-upper after 'trying their best"..Hmm... makes me wonder if emotional infidelity and emotional torment is part of that negative equation too. If a couple has children and still do fail in a marriage has obviously not tried hard enough, because they've been through 2 rounds of tests... 1. having enough love to marry, 2. having enough love to bear children. (Let's not get to the baby-bonus BS)
It takes loads of guts, commitment, mental stability and sacrifices, not to mention love, but also to marry (for those who do not take it as a joke or a dry run of course). Instead of one, now each party has to think for two. So whenever anyone says 'I've tried my best" yet still heads for a divorce, has either lost the guts , commitment or blames the other for the lack of sacrifices made, thinks too highly of their efforts when I'd highly suspect is minimal, or simply took it as a dry run or just as an 'experience' to join the divorced club. Well of course, there are genuine cases of people having tried their best alone, while the other party hasn't (to me, they deserve to end up lonely and helpless in their later lives).
In this era, divorcees are aplenty. And one party is usually the one forced into it. The other unsuspecting victim who has tried so hard, committed everything and sacrificed for the other, just has to accept that 1 hand can only slap, not clap; 1 leg can only limp, not walk; 1 heart can only beat and not love.
"I'm not ready", "I can't commit yet", "I'm not the marriage sort", "I do not want to lose my freedom", "I don't know if I can make you happy", "I get cold-feet thinking of marriage or commitment"; are the most common phrases coming from cowards or caitiffs who have absolutely no guts to say that they are too selfish to love another; hence wasting the precious time of the other party given on earth. These individuals utilise such excuses to hide behind a curtain of selfishness to keep their freedom while tying someone else down and giving false hopes. If commitment or marriage never came to mind, spare the poor souls out there who want to lead the normal life, and stop giving empty promises. These are the losers, the cowards, the players who warrant no respect; I'd even respect a murderer more... at least he had the bloody guts to commit the crime.
In my honest opinion, every marriage is workable, except the hopeless losers mentioned above. A marriage begins with love, then the want to commit, hence the desire to be together forever. If both are willing to take a step back and think why they were together in the first place, their quarrels and conflict will then tend to appear less severe and hence easier recognise that they are more willing to let go. Nobody needs to win or lose in an argument. There is no right or wrong either. Marriages are not debates. As long as the solution is the best for working towards the betterment of the marriage, winning will no longer be an issue. Marriages are meant to work with the help of 2 willing and loving people, working together in partnership and not against each other. With this winning solution, they wouldn't even realise they are falling in love over and over again with each other all the time.
The willingness to ignore pride and admit a mistake is a true sign of love. When one has done wrong, it would not kill to apologise... simply because the other party was hurt in some way. But this is not a disclaimer to do just about anything with deliberation of at least an expectation to hurt the other and then simply apologise to expect pardon.
Acknowledge also that marriage in the earliest years are the hardest to overcome, and if one can do so; which many have, are respectable enough to have the guts to go through all the teething problems together. This is the time when one learns to live with another, learn to respect the other and agree to go through hard and good times together where the hard times happen more often, learn their habits, good or bad, nominal or huge, share their space and be considerate to each other. This can not only eliminate insecurity but also build confidence in each other. There will be issues involving toilet habits, finances, in-laws, time allocation, consideration, acceptance of differences, all issues, big or small will still be issues to either overcome, or accept. Sacrifices made by either party also should not be compared. Fair or not fair. Simply because of love, one may be willing to sacrifice everything, no doubt seemingly unfair, but still a winning solution which makes the marriage happy. A couple who would do anything to make a marriage work deserves the most respect for the equation produces a win-win situation.
One cannot walk into a marriage expecting that life will still be as before. Well, of course you can if you married a nimrod. That doesn't mean one has to give up their freedom, friends, family or life. Everyone is still entitled their own space, but they do know they have their partner to seek solace in, to love, and to be with aside from all the time out there in time of good and bad, someone to go home to, and eventually to share life till they grow old together. This is where priorities matter so much. Priorities change after marriage whether you like it or not. Of course one still can enjoy their freedom, do what they love, their hobbies, and because the love and respect for the other is there, adulteries or affairs wouldn't even come across their minds. Friends are there all the time, but they will eventually have their own commitments.
Families, on the other hand are there to nurture, help in times of trouble and to share the joy of your marriage but not unnecessarily intervene and ruin it nor encourage failure If one's family fights with one partner over time allocation, finances or attention have obviously not enough love and grace to allow the couple to build what they have started. One's priority cannot and should not be dictated by anyone. Wise words from my dad, "Parents are important, but should know when to let go when the time is right, no parent wants to ruin the good in their children unless they do not have a loving heart and grace".
However, if you notice your marriage is in one of the lowest of the priority list, spare your poor partner and either shoot yourself, or wake up to see that at the end of the day, your partner is also your family, no doubt not by blood but by love. Family members slowly gain their own lives, some die, some have their own families, so eventually what's left is you and your spouse. Picture your life with your spouse in 50 years, see the comfort, see the gray hair, and the beautiful memories you would have by then, both of your blood family and your spouse.
I smile while I think of the hypothetical if a divorce does not happen, and even if not me, at least you could and would and should go through lives together and whilst your great grand children are there to learn of your precious memories and lessons they would be proud to know of.
As for me, I never believed in marriage having an expiry date unless one party dies. Some have unfortunately met someone who actually meets one of the criteria of someone you should not be with. Yes, they'd have to suffer the social stigma, because these people's solution to "marriage isn't easy, it's gonna be alot of hard work" is "the easiest way out". Unfortunately, they have to be the unsuspecting poor soul to trust the other to try their best.
But should my life be ended prematurely, my only greatest regret; signing on that dotted line in front of the people whom some of them care and love me to bits.
Monday, December 22, 2008
The hardest work you'll ever love (2)
As it is, it is hard enough to find one to love who loves you back the same way. What about maintaining that love and relationship 'till death do us part'? Anyone can live with another, but can they live without each other? Of course we can! Haven't we been doing that for ages? Haven't we been living on our own before meeting our better halves? BUT once we have met the better half, we'd end up a single entity, forsaking all others, and subconsciously keeping the most important and sacred vow.
I've been told that a marriage should not come with disagreements nor arguments. When one does something which might hurt the other, the other is not able to find fault simply because that party feels no wrong in their doing; and so, the other partner MUST have a heart of forgiveness, and to always take forgiveness as a first priority. The bonus? The other party can do the same..... WOW!! However, how the other party feels is to be kept within and swallowed till the day they die, explode or till the day the carpet is too full for anything else to be swept under or the closet just has too many skeletons to house anymore. Is this a sustainable marriage? Erm... sad truth; no. This is unrealistic and never happens.
What the hell marriage is that?! Rules and regulations, terms and conditions? What about throwing in some demerit points and detention classes? Feelings and emotions are not to be argued with nor to be corrected no doubt they can be controlled or hidden well by the strong ones.
There was this couple who never made it through year one, the woman fell hopelessly in love with this man, whom she gave full respect and always held him on a higher pedestal and a number 1 priority. However, a woman will always remain a woman; inquisitive and wanting to be involved in the happiness or sadness of her man. This man is always able to make her wonder what she has done wrong even though she didn't think she made the mistake. Of course at times she would have made mistakes and be apologetic about it.
He is also one to disrespect the need to argue when she thinks is truly necessary for the betterment of the marriage. And it is the nature of women to want to solve minor issues, grab the bullet before it hurts, the man is more concerned about AFTER the bullet is shot to solve it. Little arguments and problems do not seem important to a man, and they tend to categorize them under the same 'little issues' drawer, hence confusing the woman as to why the man is unable to solve these issues and nip them in the bud before they snowball into huge problems. And when that happens, the man is unable to accept the woman digging up past issues, which the woman never found closure before. That's just the way some men work. Big pictures are perfected with small inner pictures. Nice big pictures do not 'just happen'.
How much more tolerance should this lady have? Has she been short changed? Or dwelling in self pity? Or is this just her side of the story? She has given her all in this marriage, sacrificing much to be with him and has tried giving in whenever her disgruntlements were not acknowledged. Except that she has this penchant to explain why exactly she was upset, and was never looking for an apology, but to bring across the point that an acknowledgement of what really upset her or her other half; hence there should be mutual understanding and of course to know the exact crime she has committed. She has been trying to go through life together, keeping the responsibilities of a wife to be submissive to the man, hoping the man respects and honours her.
I am not self-righteous, and do not intend to be or sound like one who is. I just need to say this is a very painful experience that one has to go through just because one of the parties could not meet the 'ideal' expectations of the other. How much more to give? How much more to do? I do not know, except that this could be a good example for others in similar situations to see the truth of life and relationships to learn. Learn what? I'm clueless too. Learn to give in? Check. Learn to be the smaller woman? Check. Learn to tolerate? Check. Learn to be humble? Check. Learn to lose the right to retort in every aspect? Check. And lastly, learn to live with each other given the knowledge that no two people are the same. Check? What else? I'm not too sure... anymore.
This story made me realise that I must love..... love myself way way way much more than I have ever loved myself to be able to love the other.
Would this happen again? I do not know. Will I also end up being a sucker for punishment? I do not want to of course. I guess one's quota for mistakes and stupidity can reach its limits. I cannot, and won't want to see anyone in this ugly situation. I'm sure there are worse out there. This example is just the baby of all disasters of marriages, but it's hurt enough to make one wonder if this short life we have on earth would be spent with someone worthy, or someone who believes in the "(1) I AM GREAT, (2) I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, (3) WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, READ POINTERS (1) and (2)" theory.
A good marriage is never really an unattainable dream, an ultimate success, a great achievement for almost everyone, seeing how much my parents have achieved being together for so long. Their example has given me will remain my role model to follow and live till such an age where love is strong, and the bond is tight. Of course, hurdles and obstacles come along the way, well but they have held hands to jump across those difficult times lovingly and gracefully. That is my aim, that is my goal. "For better or worse, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, to forsake all others" right? Ask them; they'd tell you, check, check, check and check.
Do read this article below, it can save your marriage and make it one that you'd live to be proud of;
"Divorce is a difficult and painful process. You need constant support from family members, friends, relatives and help from professionals. This path is made easier with informed knowledge. Divorce is however not always the best solution. It should be the last option and not just the easy way out, especially if you are married with children. It is always in the parties' interest to resolve the differences, so that both can move on with their lives together. Nevertheless, in some instances, a disgruntled spouse can be difficult, early and adequate preparation are absolutely necessary.
SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
A relationship, whether between father and son, between brother and sister, between a man and woman, requires constant nurturing. After marriage, most couples take each other for granted. As the society develops and matures, the demands are more exacting. Stress of work, stress in coping with the new born, of ensuring that the children get into a reputable primary school, differences of opinions in dealing with teenage children, unreasonable interference by in-laws, financial mismanagement, often aggravate the relationship between the couples.
From the woman's viewpoint, the man lacks understanding, spends too much time at his career, does not do housework or enough housework, is not a good provider in terms of financial and emotional support, does not show care or concern for her or for the children, are the frequent complaints.
The men on the other hand often feel that their wives are too interfering, too possessive, do not understand their stress at work or in coping with their career, incessant nagging, unnecessary and unreasonable reprimands, or unachievable demands.
In some cases, the differences lead to quarrels and fights. With the influx of foreign women in Singapore, especially from the People's Republic of China, these men who are now in an emotional vacuum, often find solace through these non-committal 'relationships'. Intimate association even not amounting to adultery, lead to more misunderstanding.
In some other instances, the cracks start with a minor misunderstanding. Poor communication aggravates the situation. If the bonding is not strong, the parties drift apart, and often avoid speaking to each other. Suspicion and unsubstantiated allegations widen the rift, making a re-conciliation difficult.
Some suggestions given by the experts:
1. Swallow your pride.
Often parties are too proud to admit their shortcomings and mistakes made. They are too quick to take on a defensive position. Swallowing one's pride is in the interest of all parties. The dent on the ego is painful, but it spares both parties more agony.
2. Speak to your spouse early.
If there is a major issue, discuss and reach a consensus early. The decision may be wrong, but if it had been deliberated before, both parries should support and carry it through, without complaints or grudges.
3. Be slow to criticize and complain
It is only human to complain about a person's mistake, some do it more often than others. We should however always note that nobody wants to do badly in whatever we do. Failure and mistakes are however part and parcel of life. We need to accept and take responsibility and move on. Your spouse' mistake is also your mistake. You married him or her and you should have enough love to suffer the consequence of his or her mistake.
4. Perseverance
Some differences are minor---solve these first, some are major and cannot be resolved easily. There must be perseverance and courage. It is not the solution that saves the marriage, for after every problem solved there would be another. That is the nature of life itself. It is the perseverance that makes the difference, that gives hope and makes life meaningful.
5. Take responsibility
In every relationship, we must take responsibility. The purpose of work is for a future and a better tomorrow. If the work affects the quality of life and being unhappy often, the work actually loses its purpose. One should not be enslaved by work, although it is easily said than done. Without a happy marriage, it would affect the quality of work. The promises made whether to a spouse or innocent child must be fulfilled.
6. Defend your spouse
Often, family members do not know the details of the couple's relationship. Parents side their children and siblings side each other. This is human nature, and they do it out of love and care. However such act is harmful as it aggravates the misunderstanding between the spouse. As such it is prudent to leave the family members out of any dispute. A family member who really care for their member should be objective without the need to pin-point."
abstracted from "familylaw.com.sg"
I've been told that a marriage should not come with disagreements nor arguments. When one does something which might hurt the other, the other is not able to find fault simply because that party feels no wrong in their doing; and so, the other partner MUST have a heart of forgiveness, and to always take forgiveness as a first priority. The bonus? The other party can do the same..... WOW!! However, how the other party feels is to be kept within and swallowed till the day they die, explode or till the day the carpet is too full for anything else to be swept under or the closet just has too many skeletons to house anymore. Is this a sustainable marriage? Erm... sad truth; no. This is unrealistic and never happens.
What the hell marriage is that?! Rules and regulations, terms and conditions? What about throwing in some demerit points and detention classes? Feelings and emotions are not to be argued with nor to be corrected no doubt they can be controlled or hidden well by the strong ones.
There was this couple who never made it through year one, the woman fell hopelessly in love with this man, whom she gave full respect and always held him on a higher pedestal and a number 1 priority. However, a woman will always remain a woman; inquisitive and wanting to be involved in the happiness or sadness of her man. This man is always able to make her wonder what she has done wrong even though she didn't think she made the mistake. Of course at times she would have made mistakes and be apologetic about it.
He is also one to disrespect the need to argue when she thinks is truly necessary for the betterment of the marriage. And it is the nature of women to want to solve minor issues, grab the bullet before it hurts, the man is more concerned about AFTER the bullet is shot to solve it. Little arguments and problems do not seem important to a man, and they tend to categorize them under the same 'little issues' drawer, hence confusing the woman as to why the man is unable to solve these issues and nip them in the bud before they snowball into huge problems. And when that happens, the man is unable to accept the woman digging up past issues, which the woman never found closure before. That's just the way some men work. Big pictures are perfected with small inner pictures. Nice big pictures do not 'just happen'.
How much more tolerance should this lady have? Has she been short changed? Or dwelling in self pity? Or is this just her side of the story? She has given her all in this marriage, sacrificing much to be with him and has tried giving in whenever her disgruntlements were not acknowledged. Except that she has this penchant to explain why exactly she was upset, and was never looking for an apology, but to bring across the point that an acknowledgement of what really upset her or her other half; hence there should be mutual understanding and of course to know the exact crime she has committed. She has been trying to go through life together, keeping the responsibilities of a wife to be submissive to the man, hoping the man respects and honours her.
I am not self-righteous, and do not intend to be or sound like one who is. I just need to say this is a very painful experience that one has to go through just because one of the parties could not meet the 'ideal' expectations of the other. How much more to give? How much more to do? I do not know, except that this could be a good example for others in similar situations to see the truth of life and relationships to learn. Learn what? I'm clueless too. Learn to give in? Check. Learn to be the smaller woman? Check. Learn to tolerate? Check. Learn to be humble? Check. Learn to lose the right to retort in every aspect? Check. And lastly, learn to live with each other given the knowledge that no two people are the same. Check? What else? I'm not too sure... anymore.
This story made me realise that I must love..... love myself way way way much more than I have ever loved myself to be able to love the other.
Would this happen again? I do not know. Will I also end up being a sucker for punishment? I do not want to of course. I guess one's quota for mistakes and stupidity can reach its limits. I cannot, and won't want to see anyone in this ugly situation. I'm sure there are worse out there. This example is just the baby of all disasters of marriages, but it's hurt enough to make one wonder if this short life we have on earth would be spent with someone worthy, or someone who believes in the "(1) I AM GREAT, (2) I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, (3) WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, READ POINTERS (1) and (2)" theory.
A good marriage is never really an unattainable dream, an ultimate success, a great achievement for almost everyone, seeing how much my parents have achieved being together for so long. Their example has given me will remain my role model to follow and live till such an age where love is strong, and the bond is tight. Of course, hurdles and obstacles come along the way, well but they have held hands to jump across those difficult times lovingly and gracefully. That is my aim, that is my goal. "For better or worse, through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, to forsake all others" right? Ask them; they'd tell you, check, check, check and check.
Do read this article below, it can save your marriage and make it one that you'd live to be proud of;
"Divorce is a difficult and painful process. You need constant support from family members, friends, relatives and help from professionals. This path is made easier with informed knowledge. Divorce is however not always the best solution. It should be the last option and not just the easy way out, especially if you are married with children. It is always in the parties' interest to resolve the differences, so that both can move on with their lives together. Nevertheless, in some instances, a disgruntled spouse can be difficult, early and adequate preparation are absolutely necessary.
SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
A relationship, whether between father and son, between brother and sister, between a man and woman, requires constant nurturing. After marriage, most couples take each other for granted. As the society develops and matures, the demands are more exacting. Stress of work, stress in coping with the new born, of ensuring that the children get into a reputable primary school, differences of opinions in dealing with teenage children, unreasonable interference by in-laws, financial mismanagement, often aggravate the relationship between the couples.
From the woman's viewpoint, the man lacks understanding, spends too much time at his career, does not do housework or enough housework, is not a good provider in terms of financial and emotional support, does not show care or concern for her or for the children, are the frequent complaints.
The men on the other hand often feel that their wives are too interfering, too possessive, do not understand their stress at work or in coping with their career, incessant nagging, unnecessary and unreasonable reprimands, or unachievable demands.
In some cases, the differences lead to quarrels and fights. With the influx of foreign women in Singapore, especially from the People's Republic of China, these men who are now in an emotional vacuum, often find solace through these non-committal 'relationships'. Intimate association even not amounting to adultery, lead to more misunderstanding.
In some other instances, the cracks start with a minor misunderstanding. Poor communication aggravates the situation. If the bonding is not strong, the parties drift apart, and often avoid speaking to each other. Suspicion and unsubstantiated allegations widen the rift, making a re-conciliation difficult.
Some suggestions given by the experts:
1. Swallow your pride.
Often parties are too proud to admit their shortcomings and mistakes made. They are too quick to take on a defensive position. Swallowing one's pride is in the interest of all parties. The dent on the ego is painful, but it spares both parties more agony.
2. Speak to your spouse early.
If there is a major issue, discuss and reach a consensus early. The decision may be wrong, but if it had been deliberated before, both parries should support and carry it through, without complaints or grudges.
3. Be slow to criticize and complain
It is only human to complain about a person's mistake, some do it more often than others. We should however always note that nobody wants to do badly in whatever we do. Failure and mistakes are however part and parcel of life. We need to accept and take responsibility and move on. Your spouse' mistake is also your mistake. You married him or her and you should have enough love to suffer the consequence of his or her mistake.
4. Perseverance
Some differences are minor---solve these first, some are major and cannot be resolved easily. There must be perseverance and courage. It is not the solution that saves the marriage, for after every problem solved there would be another. That is the nature of life itself. It is the perseverance that makes the difference, that gives hope and makes life meaningful.
5. Take responsibility
In every relationship, we must take responsibility. The purpose of work is for a future and a better tomorrow. If the work affects the quality of life and being unhappy often, the work actually loses its purpose. One should not be enslaved by work, although it is easily said than done. Without a happy marriage, it would affect the quality of work. The promises made whether to a spouse or innocent child must be fulfilled.
6. Defend your spouse
Often, family members do not know the details of the couple's relationship. Parents side their children and siblings side each other. This is human nature, and they do it out of love and care. However such act is harmful as it aggravates the misunderstanding between the spouse. As such it is prudent to leave the family members out of any dispute. A family member who really care for their member should be objective without the need to pin-point."
abstracted from "familylaw.com.sg"
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The hardest work you'll ever love (1)
Love, as it is, is such a complicated word which is never a fairy tale with candy floss and hearty balloons. How many are blessed enough to be with the one we truly love and truly loves us and should I add... till death? There isn't really an answer to such a question except that it does happen. How many times have we heard of 40th, 50th till 70th wedding anniversaries? Love isn't all about feeling good about the other party, but also becoming a better person, having favour with the person and showing favour. Many tend to expect their better half to change or even to attempt to change them to better suit them; only to end up all disappointed that all efforts are futile. Changes just to suit the other is short-lived and usually forced.
Some people do change to please the other party, and such changes are short-lived and often end up disappointing. Naturally as a person in love changes for the better, isn't usually with a concious effort. In fact, this non-deliberate, and effortless change occurs because of this unexplainable natural transition brought upon by something so powerful.... unconditional, true love.
When love hits one, we feel it's The One, or well,....Mr/Ms Right. How often have people misconstrued Mr/Ms Right NOW, or Mr/Ms YAH-Right or Mr/Ms ALWAYS RIGHT, as Mr/Ms Right. Is there such a theory to support such an actuality as Mr/Ms Right? Some people take it as a gospel-truth. And so if hypothetically, a young couple loses one party to sickness, or untimely death, our poor surviving supposed Mr/Ms Right, is to remain single and alone for the rest of his life? Won't this survivor have the RIGHT to find anyone else? Isn't the vow 'till death do us part'? It surely doesn't say 'till both our deaths do us part'. So truly, there is not one particular appointed 'someone' for each of us.
Let's just say every couple face problems, arguments, fights and quarrels. When there is an exception of a couple who has never quarrelled, argued or disagreed, something must be amiss. I speak with full-confidence here. Problems, arguments, fights and quarrels are the only route to a successful and long lasting marriage. Nobody is born to fit anybody's exact expectation and hence quarrels, disagreements inevitable. Sure, one may keep mum, but how long can they withstand and deny that no disagreements ever exist? The very purpose of these disagreements are to lead to couples compromising and ironing out these issues to make living together and understanding each other possible.
One party cannot possibly be giving all the time and the other to only take. There is a limit as to how much one can give, and the other party who takes will take; and even start to take things for granted. Truth be told; every marriage counsellor would tell you, every couple fights. Even the most loving couples do. Fights and arguments are inevitable to build a relationship and strengthen the bond between the two.
Dogs fight, till one gives in, and learns to be submissive. Siblings fight, simply because no two people are of the same character; even twins. Best friends fight, to understand each others' way of being great pals to each other. Parents and children too, they fight to get their points across. Even colleagues will fight if being civil isn't a human expectation. Hence all that back stabbing, gossiping, and ganging up against each other. Even more, how inevitable is a fight in any relationship, that person we live with, share our darkest secrets and intimate moments? It is never ever possible, unless pretence is the main make-up of the relationship or we are discussing strangers here. Ask any couple, those who have NO arguments at all, have either got a very giving spouse, or one boiling partner, throwing all problems and unhappiness elsewhere, or both parties are always willing to give in to the others' ideals; or both have absolutely no opinions whatsoever.
I'm not a philosopher or neither of that sort, far from it. In fact, a marriage counsellor has brutally admitted that men and women are indeed from very different places. The only understanding that can bring both together is that understanding that they were always made to belong to each other; whether there is a fight, an argument, but they exist together to complement what the other lacks and enhance what the other has. That is such a comforting thought, except the sad fact is that how many can actually find one to fit that criteria, and complement the other, correct or even accept the flaws and enhance the good?
I've recently celebrated my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. What bliss... and I am so so proud of them. Way to go folks!
Some people do change to please the other party, and such changes are short-lived and often end up disappointing. Naturally as a person in love changes for the better, isn't usually with a concious effort. In fact, this non-deliberate, and effortless change occurs because of this unexplainable natural transition brought upon by something so powerful.... unconditional, true love.
When love hits one, we feel it's The One, or well,....Mr/Ms Right. How often have people misconstrued Mr/Ms Right NOW, or Mr/Ms YAH-Right or Mr/Ms ALWAYS RIGHT, as Mr/Ms Right. Is there such a theory to support such an actuality as Mr/Ms Right? Some people take it as a gospel-truth. And so if hypothetically, a young couple loses one party to sickness, or untimely death, our poor surviving supposed Mr/Ms Right, is to remain single and alone for the rest of his life? Won't this survivor have the RIGHT to find anyone else? Isn't the vow 'till death do us part'? It surely doesn't say 'till both our deaths do us part'. So truly, there is not one particular appointed 'someone' for each of us.
Let's just say every couple face problems, arguments, fights and quarrels. When there is an exception of a couple who has never quarrelled, argued or disagreed, something must be amiss. I speak with full-confidence here. Problems, arguments, fights and quarrels are the only route to a successful and long lasting marriage. Nobody is born to fit anybody's exact expectation and hence quarrels, disagreements inevitable. Sure, one may keep mum, but how long can they withstand and deny that no disagreements ever exist? The very purpose of these disagreements are to lead to couples compromising and ironing out these issues to make living together and understanding each other possible.
One party cannot possibly be giving all the time and the other to only take. There is a limit as to how much one can give, and the other party who takes will take; and even start to take things for granted. Truth be told; every marriage counsellor would tell you, every couple fights. Even the most loving couples do. Fights and arguments are inevitable to build a relationship and strengthen the bond between the two.
Dogs fight, till one gives in, and learns to be submissive. Siblings fight, simply because no two people are of the same character; even twins. Best friends fight, to understand each others' way of being great pals to each other. Parents and children too, they fight to get their points across. Even colleagues will fight if being civil isn't a human expectation. Hence all that back stabbing, gossiping, and ganging up against each other. Even more, how inevitable is a fight in any relationship, that person we live with, share our darkest secrets and intimate moments? It is never ever possible, unless pretence is the main make-up of the relationship or we are discussing strangers here. Ask any couple, those who have NO arguments at all, have either got a very giving spouse, or one boiling partner, throwing all problems and unhappiness elsewhere, or both parties are always willing to give in to the others' ideals; or both have absolutely no opinions whatsoever.
I'm not a philosopher or neither of that sort, far from it. In fact, a marriage counsellor has brutally admitted that men and women are indeed from very different places. The only understanding that can bring both together is that understanding that they were always made to belong to each other; whether there is a fight, an argument, but they exist together to complement what the other lacks and enhance what the other has. That is such a comforting thought, except the sad fact is that how many can actually find one to fit that criteria, and complement the other, correct or even accept the flaws and enhance the good?
I've recently celebrated my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. What bliss... and I am so so proud of them. Way to go folks!
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