Did I go to hell?

What in the world happened? First, da ge decided to call him to clarify matters; next thing I knew he was already back, and promised to call to meet up and settle everything amicably or at least have an opportunity to voice out and get closure if it had to be. Everything happened so quickly last week when I dropped him a text msg and got a call back to tell me the proceedings are at the lawyers. It's virtually dead now. I'm virtually dead. The best part? I do not hate him; I am not angry; very upset nonetheless, but I still love him to bits. Is this true, real love a wife has for her husband? I want forgiveness from him, and I have forgiven him, I am still waiting for restoration of our marriage and a reconciliation, but am I asking for too much? Is it really over? This does feel a little like jail, like hell, not that I am aware how that feels, but I know this isn't what is meant for me to go through.

This is surreal, very painful.

Running out of air

Just came back from lunch break. I'm just wondering if there would be 1 day I can go without thinking of my situation? Even when I'm ill and asleep most of the time, I'd still have that very little time to still think about it. Is this heading towards self-destruction? Best of all when I have absolutely no idea what is happening; neither can I see the light at the end of the tunnel. But one thing I know, whether this whole episode will end badly or in a good way, I know that there would be a finale, he is not that irresponsible or unreliable. And the reason for how 1 fight could lead to such repercussions would finally reveal itself. I have stopped dying to know; but never stopped wanting to re-reach that light of love.

I'm now at rest; not wanting to think too much about what can or what cannot be. I just want to trust that this episode in my life is not to destroy me, but to help me grow; stronger, better and for the betterment of my own person. However, if there should be any disappointing news coming up, I'd like to be spared. It's really a little too much for me to take, considering all the hell I've been through and back.

Give me back my Thursday!

I'm shocked at myself for having written the previous blog entry with absolutely no recollection. I remembered coming home after work absolutely knackered, rather tipsy and totally upset with how men of Singapore cannot behave themselves in clubs. Thankfully the very exceptional few who protected me like a brother would to a sister.

Estranged as a wife; treasured as a sister.

Seems like one cannot argue with family ties. Try hard as they may, men of all sortsa ages cannot come near me.... erm, well they can, but let's just see how long they can remain before they're driven miles away from me. 2 reasons for this phenomenal behaviour. 1, I'm the baby girl at home, and my brothers are overly protective over me. (and I do honestly thank them for that). 2, I'm still legally a married woman, and I love the fact that I am and would proudly say I need to be left alone for that reason (no doubt I have no idea where my husband is). I AM entitled to a supernatural relationship and a supernatural marriage. I am awaiting. My husband may have disappeared. He will be back, and as twice the man he is, we will be grateful we had that break.

Meanwhile we'll both find ourselves, do things we always wanted to and realise we can't without each other. That's what I want ultimately. Then the truly happy family will go on happily as the perfect planner has planned for us.

2009, embrace change.

Like I didn't realise the change is tremendous. Have I myself to blame or is this a lesson specially crafted and planned down to details for me? 2009 isn't exactly starting off well. It kick started with a close shave from being burnt alive at Sentika, getting replied with a less than desirable reply when all I wanted was to wish someone Happy New Year; and having been virtually missing from that world for a good close to 4 mths, how can life spiral any lower for me? The only way is up, right? Wrong. I should never have burnt all my savings trying to be independent for now the recession isn't help at all for the financial situation most people are in. Now I struggle to survive, after having been estranged by the very one I have been trusted with.

I am not pathetic neither do I require pity. I only demand respect and responsibility and reliability when spoken forth to me and said under oath. Truly, is there an easier way to solve my current situation? BEG? No. A person who loves another would not expect such a low-life behaviour and attitude from the other. The ultimate question is then; why me? I'm taking my situation, looking at it from all sorts of angles possible; where is the beauty in the outcome? Where is the rainbow? Where is the unity? Is this some kind of a joke? No I have never visualized my life to ever go through this; neither have I expected perfection. The occasional bumpy rides takes the monotony out of life and creates something very real and acceptable. Who can expect a life within a bed of roses.... the thorns are bound to prick once in a while. Once in a while does not lead to permanent destruction and total loss. You cannot bleed to death from rose thorns!

Well, whatever the case, it is such a shame. I was listening to a seminar last night and the speaker made the differences between husband and wife so endearing, so easy to see, and in a rosier pink than the usual black.

Now I understand

A girlfriend spoke to me online... sorry... confronted me online regarding an alleged "bitching". I didn't exactly understand how much fault I had, or was I just being maligned because of some shit-stirrer. Well, anyhow, I can finally see what my husband means when one is so adamant to a level of irritance of insisting on being right and forcing me to admit fault and even though I knew I had to apologise a-n-y-w-a-y, so I did, twice. After obviously being ignored and kept being attacked with the "YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Would you like it if I did ........... to you!??" I felt pretty darn insulted. I said "Fine. I already apologised twice, seems like you are victimising yourself and blowing everything out of great proportion.." And as anybody would expect, next comes "NO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!"

My mind drifted away. During this time I could only hear in my mind an annoying little voice, which I identified as mine, and the other irritated party as my hubby's. I now know how annoying it is not to be able to let stupid little things go, as if it was going to kill me or cause me destruction or perhaps even 5 years later when I look back, it still is such a minor and meaningless issue.

"Agree to disagree". This statement was attempted to be drilled into my mind but I hardly thought about it, till recently, and realised the significance of this statement. This gives reason to be truly irritated and very annoyed, however, still not enough for a divorce. Besides, I do not do things to such extents and not able to ever admit defeat or accept fault.

She does remind me a little of myself when I argue with my hubby, but I know for a true fact I have probably about half of the aggression and nonsense degree of this girlfriend. Even I would not be able to live with such a person for too long. Someone who presses and pushes standards down my throat.

Now, all I want from my hubby is to forgive me, come back to me after such a long silence and I really have learnt and I want to change; not only for him but to make me a better person. Lao Gong, if you are reading this, I want you to know I know how much relief you got from leaving me, more so, I want you to know I am going to change, not for you but for us...

Family time

The sunday just past. It was quite fulfilling to spend time with mum, and chit-chat while we're out. We chatted quite abit about the situation I'm in, and giving me advice. A friend of hers has a daughter-in-law from hell and her son wants a divorce. After listening to the situation, I'd reckon it's all valid. I'm nowhere near there. Thank goodness.

These few days, a few songs have become pretty much appealing to me....


Download this Video mp3 free

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却 还在
等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会
狠心对谁

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却 还在
等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会
狠心 对谁

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生

男人 男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼

女人 女人
我答应做个好人
不会再让我（你）心疼
一等再等
你就是我等的那个人

男人 男人
女人 女人
多么希望你是对的人
- 男人女人 -
______________________________________________________
愿意合上眼才能美梦无边
别让悔熏乌了从前
也许碎片才能让回忆展颜
何妨瓷花拼凑明天

谁带我寻获幸福的模
却自己谜中困锁
谁为我留下缱绻的天涯
信物是抹晚霞

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

愿意合上眼才能美梦无边
别让悔熏乌了从前
也许碎片才能让回忆展颜
何妨瓷花拼凑明天

谁带我寻获幸福的模
却自己谜中困锁
谁为我留下缱绻的天涯
信物是抹晚霞

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我

思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果

燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

_________________________________________________________
曾经有过 美丽的梦
一起微笑 一起牵手走过
不在乎 是否能永久
彷彿 没有尽头

以為自己 一直都懂
你的眼神 透露出些什麼
每一个有你 陪伴的日落
都很快乐

sarang heyo
爱的理由 不会有错
就算换了时空 也会做相同的梦
伸出手请带我走

sarang heyo
爱的理由 不会有错
笑著流泪的我
对你许下了承诺

爱已经停留
-萧贺硕 我爱你-

A mourning Princess

Had a great family dinner to celebrate my eldest brother's birthday in advance. My baby-girl niece was so sweetheart (no doubt a terror most of the time) when I took her to buy her some snacks. She said "This is for papa. This is for mummy. This is for nana (herself)" She grabbed ONE box of snacks for daddy, ONE for mummy and like what looked like a basket full of crisps for herself. Such a cutie.

I went on to meet my friends, lost abit of money over blackjack. Then this song came out... so did my tears...

It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so-called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants

And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

-Hugh Grant-

No idea, but this just makes me wanna cry.

Well-oh-well.... let the princess mourn, won't you!??!

my heart still searching?

The hardest part about being dumped is that the dumpee feels worse than the dumper. I do not understand why this should be the case; especially when the dumpee was in the dark about the intentions of the dumper. Shouldn't punishment befall the dumper for being such a.... well, dumper?!

I was interrogated last night during a drinking session. I was questioned as to why I was still wearing my wedding ring as a pendant. My response was simple; just as "not too bad" = "not too good", "no news is good news", I am entitled to still remain positive. Besides, I do not believe 'he' could be so cold-hearted and stone-hearted; I wouldn't marry such a man anyway. My friends could be right... or wrong; but one thing I know for sure is that we all cannot forsee the future. And should the day come that 'he' wants to get back to where we ended and start over again, I'm not gonna be a bitch and 'take revenge' and play mind games. We aren't kids, and this isn't a joke. I take it seriously, and I still do. But should he stand grounded like a rock, then I'm not gonna try change matters too, simply because I can't do this on my own. Swallow the bitter tablet which I've been staring at for the longest time and move on, hoping the tablet also erases my memory of the one who prescribed it.

Perhaps I just wanna wake up from this horrifying and trying nightmare as fast as it happened.

The husband I miss....

"HUH WHAT???!" My 'husband' has been going around telling everyone he knows that we're divorced. Funny thing is, I'm not even aware that we already are!? Not until I know of the real reasons without BS, will I agree to this arrangement. This marriage was more like an arrangement than one out of real emotions. It's really ridiculous since I never knew it was supposed to be like this; a plan, outrageously planned. Just so amazing, how my 'ex-husband' can cook up some story to say how we split when I'm unaware of my true fault or rather, a validated fault.

I'm still in disbelief. This is so absurd!? It almost makes me feel dumb like I was never involved. What in the world was I thinking? What in the world was HE thinking? How come I never knew? How didn't I see this coming? This ploy, this staged marriage/divorce. Amazing, I think.

How could I be so dumb as to marry someone who was going to take me as his joke and an eventual reason for his status of a divorcee; just like his peers? Can't beat them; join'em!

I try not to think the worse of him, I try..... and I still do not think he's a bad guy, just one who can be quite scheming and who is very lost. Even if it wasn't me, I'd bet he'd do the same, simply because joining the 'gang' of the 'divorcees' made him feel very 'in place'. It was all a game.

I'd like to think he was not scheming towards me, not a scam but a true love; which he became confused of. He could end up with someone else, or maybe nobody at all, but all I know is that he would paint a very ugly picture of me; which is NOT FAIR.

Anyway, I have no idea anymore. I'll wait. I trust, I have faith and I'm still positive. He isn't a bad person, he isn't evil; he's facing influences and warfares. I want him to see his initial decision all over again and why he made such a decision. To have and to hold, through better or worse, in sickness and in health, in richer and poorer, till death.... do us part....

The Estranged Wife

Second day of the lunar new year; still nothing. Should I then start calling myself and estranged wife?Or perhaps not a wife at all. Nobody wants to ask me about anything when they do come to my place for visitation because it's a really sensitive topic. My folks are still pretty much affected and disappointed with the way things were/are handled. Basically there isn't any responsibility to inform my parents of any decisions made, making it a really ugly situation, and it isn't my intention to tell my folks either because it was never my decision. I wasn't consulted... I was told.

Guess it would be way better if I was told off in the face. It would hurt, but at least there would be closure. Now it's inconclusive and I know as much about the situation as anyone randomly walking on the streets.

Left him a message yesterday to wish him a Happy Lunar New Year. No reply. Is it time to realise he's not a responsible nor reliable person? Or to stay in denial and wait? I'm exhausted, no idea what to say anymore. Must it be like this? Must one wait till giving up is the only option? It really has become very exhausting and tiring; but isn't this what 2 people have to go through till they get comfortable? I know I will live to regret not being given an opportunity to try my very best and live a life with him properly. But this regret is sowed by him. And he will reap what he sows.... Because I love him, I do not wish for anything bad to happen to him. I want the best for him and because he is being loved still, he should be living life happily. And that is what life owes me too... to live happily.

Reunion Dinner

It's Chinese New Year's Eve and we'll be having our reunion dinner later. Just one reunion dinner, just my family, not with my other. To date, I haven't come to any conclusion or any substantial instructions on what to do. It's so weird. This is supposed to my first CNY which I have to have 2 reunion dinners. But now it's just gonna be 1.

Well, everyone have a great CNY; hope life would get better for all in this new year to come.

Chinese New Year!!! not yet la

Was sleeping throughout the day; just couldn't drag myself out of bed for the 一年一度的賭王大賽. Anyway I got up at 6pm; got ready to head out for dinner with the folks. We had dinner at Pinetree Club for Chinese. Nice...but VERY filling.

After dinner, headed to meet girlfriends coz one of them just came back from Hong Kong with her guy, for the New Year. Chatted a little and before we knew it, it was already 2.30am. Before I left, I HAD TO be damn suay to see someone I really didn't need to see... ruining my night. DARN.

Anyway, I'm just waiting for ang pows and more ang pows hehehe. Buy me a pair of sandals and a camera and life would be complete!

Pre-CNY posting

Had to bring a Korean potential client out night before. Ended up at TD2.He had loadsa fun. Ended up being entertained wonderfully by the infamous Thai ah-lians that he was super duper glad. Heng no need to send him home. Apparently this smart-ass bought over yahoo auctions and now is operating some G-crap.... (not string)...

Last night, a friend brought a Japanese guest. Nobody can understand his english simply because we do not even know if he's speaking it. So I used my duper broken Japanese (which he corrected many times) to converse with him... mostly, the music was loud (YES, TD AGAIN!) so not much small talk was made; fortunately. Headed on to Sabai Sabai after that, damn late already I was tired, sleepy and dying from lack of sleep and staring too many visuals the whole day. One after another, drunk and I had to be the 'entertainer' to converse with Koji San. He went home with friend and I, took a lonely cab ride with the uncle telling me his entire life story of how his marriage failed after 22 years; 3 kids and a life of taxi-driving.

Poor baby Ashton broke his dew claw and now he gets really upset when I hold his paw. The wound looks so raw and it's (once again) approaching the public holidays where I'll have to pay triple or more of the vet fees.... Well, he ain't screaming every second, so I reckon he's quite alright. Perhaps I can save that couple of hundreds then... (Ahh..... sigh of relief) No money lah... just got back to working only...

Well, overall it was complimenting when they commented rather disappointedly and empathetic when they asked if I was single, and I said technically/scientifically/mathematically/linguistically 'No'; however, literally, it would be a 'Yes'. Not that I'm anticipating that, just that like no choice lor. <<鳳一樣的男子>> says it all. (damn suay... never ever thought I will kena this kind).. not that I have much say....

Says it all

愛你很好, 真的很好
你知道什麼是我想要
當被你擁抱.
我甚至想不出有什麼是我所缺少。
早餐做好，襯衫燙好
讓我看來是你的驕傲
你從不曹公，但是這安靜的生活
使我想逃...

想看遠一些. 想走遠一些
我不甘心就這樣讓一切停下來
假裝這是所謂的永遠
也許我是將風溶解在血中的男子
也許我是天生習慣自私
你用溫柔和真摯
面對我再愛理， 放肆的樣子
也許我是將風溶解在血中的男子
也許我是天生崇拜追逐
當你將疑慮裝得若無其事
請原諒我 像風一樣的男子

－陳曉棟－

Exactly....

Keep the commitment or not make it at all.

Work is messy messy messy!!!!!! Hate it when the accounts part comes along.... it's like 'kio sai' lor.

Today the girl who adopted mao mao called me to say that mao mao is too naughty to get along with her cat, so perhaps I have to take mao mao back and see if other friends would take her in. This actually brings me to some issues.... Try to figure out the parrellelism here.

I have 3 dogs. I hardly see them/take them out/have contact with them; because I'm either working or overseas or just not enough confidence to take them out because I'm no longer as strong as before. So now, it's like a fishtank, watching them run around, playing with each other, living in their own world, hoping so much that I'd take them out. I enjoy watching them, but do take them for granted. One fine day, when they 'go', I am very sure I'd regret and would have wanted to do so much more. And I will try....

Some of us take others like family, or loved ones for granted till they lose them for good. Is it worth all that heartache, no doubt doing much for them would still be painful to see them go? At least we'd know we never short-changed them in their lifetime. Life is just too short to play games, play with emtions and waste time. But somehow, people still do so. Intentionally or not, it's just meaningless. Why go through it all then? Some tell me I shold never have gotten the puppies... but I think they live a much better life than if someone were to commit to them out of novelty and then abandon them when they get less cute. I do know of such people... and it doesn't only happen to dogs. These people either abandon and desert the other party or the dog in this case, and feel very little regret. But why in the first place should that happen? For sheer fun? Or sheer stupidity or perhaps these people really do not have the humanity. Having a dog is a commitment one needs to think through thoroughly, and it's the dog's lifetime that you'd need to commit to, not just to abandon as and when. I am guilty of that-- not that I have abandoned my dogs, but I have regretted not doing much more for them.

Dog lovers out there would understand this. Imagine being the dog, seeing this owner or partner or leader never bothered about you, and he brought you without your consent (even worse!) and you're destined to live that kinda life for the rest of your life...oh.. it sucks.

Today I feel a little lousier than I do usually. I guess because reality is about to hit me pretty soon, and it's gonna be a hell loada pain. Honestly, I'd rather it be a physical than emotional pain; coz it's 'tangible' to a degree, while emotional pain lasts and lasts and cuts and cuts as and when.

OH I'm submersing myself in the scent of polo sport right now... totally love it... Drives me crazy in the good way.... Used to use it on myself coz I always thought it was sexy to use a guy's perfume. Even if it isn't sexy, I still love it, and if I love it, who's to say it ain't sexy?!

I'm also cuddling my pup now. He stinks, but at least he's very passionate, for wanting to cuddle up cosy with me. His heavy head on my hand, wet nose on my cheek, warm stinky poo breath near my nose as he breathes, huge paw on my tummy, he'll always be a puppy to me. That tiny little fluff ball. (He's still fluffed but not a ball but a huge over-sized ... something)

Am listening to a song now which speaks of love; and how not to lose the love you have for someone by SAYING that you love the person.... and you'd only know the loss when you lose the person. The struggle starts after that loss and it should be rectified by telling her/him that you still have so much love EXCEPT if you have 2 loves. Ahh.. inspirational yet useless....

I do not believe my luck today!??!

Was out dinner with a friend, then headed for some drinks; where I dropped my NEW PHONE (which I picked up from the service centre t-o-d-a-y) and now it cannot even be turned on. Argh, just another lousy day.....Damn suay.

And of course the weird dream last night... hehe

Birthday surprise

The partial 'active' group gave our girlfriend a birthday surprise at PS Cafè. Had a H-U-G-E portion of their beeg breakfast for brunch and paid beeg money too. Now pocket one beeg hole also, gotta go rob more banks hehe.

Another girlfriend brought her 8 mth old baby boy..... so cute! Made all of us want 1 as well; especially when baby looks exactly like daddy. That's really cute.

Or maybe can go sperm bank to tikam tikam see baby come out nice anot. Also can lah!

Extremes

Just got home from a beer-wine session with a girlfriend and her man and some other friends. Chit-chatted about nothing important. Until she mentioned something about how I am gonna handle my life. I told her I didn't know because I couldn't tell the future and will just continue with my current plans. Nothing special in particular except that it could really be better.

The movie "12 Lotus". Good show -- meaningful and very sick. 12 chapters of the lotus girl. Each chapter speaks of life's good or bad. From 1 to 12, it speaks of how this very empathetic yet life never went well for her from day 1 till the day; girl's life sucked from the beginning and only to get worse till she was driven mad, being cheated by men. Life screwed her life till all I can say is; she only lived to suffer till the day she decided to say "goodbye". Damn sad.

Anyway, back to my life..... erm... nothing special really. 'cept sometimes it's shitty, sometimes it's good. For some it's mostly good, for some, mostly sucky; and for the rest, they're clueless about what they want so it becomes as shitty as it gets while it can also be as good as it gets.

................................................................

Four letter word

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from
1 Corinthians 13:4-13


Dunno, just felt like posting this.
Do you love this way?

Good dinner, cheepo stuff

Had late dinner with girlfriend and her man at Chomp Chomp. Woah what a local feast! Sugarcane, black carrot cake, wanton mee, mutton soup, prawn mee, kueh pie tee (can say cannot spell). We ended up; oh I meant HE ended up finishing everything while we were filled to the brim anyway already. Ended up at Liquid Kitchen for drinks (sorry! mustafa tomorrow!) as I promised just-one-glass... Such sweethearts, this couple.

Tomorrow we shall have a two-girl-night-out-dinner and Mustafa shopping ya? Oooh hooo! CHEEEP CHEEEEP stuff. Goodness, not even 30 also become to auntie already, after 30 become ah soh! tsk tsk.

Suddenly, today I became a pharmacist/nurse/professional medical advisor.... Kena suan.... We were just discussing some skin conditions and how to cure them, so since I know because of some erm experiences with dad and friends, it's just some knowledge ma.... ask me to open shop all....

But tomorrow we have a mission... gonna get our real auntie a birthday gift ah, woah all the stuffs I bought today shall me MINE hahahaha.

Shit I really do need my log book ya, 2 or 3 more to complete, cannot remember but if not log book means 5... argh! LEZ GOOO!!!!!!

Have you seen Pink heart?

Hello? Has anyone seen Pink heart? Well, at least lately? She's probably lost her way or gone away for awhile, but I really have no idea where she is. No clue, no answers. The body's just a house, a shell but with no Pink heart; how to go on? I'm sure I can find Pink heart someday, but I know I can't just find Pink heart just yet; coz she's with Blue heart. Why would blue heart want to take custody of Pink heart, his own and perhaps someone else as well? Do I really believe there are 3 hearts involved? Or is Pink heart just hanging around, chilling out; just the 2 hearts but not looking at each other. Question still is; where is she?

I know for a fact she can live on without Blue heart, but does she want to? Probably not. She's kinda locked, with keys thrown away waving her little arms to be noticed. Blue heart is hard, shelled and cold, facing away, denying the existence of Pink heart, and indifference shown towards her.

Pink heart is holding on there, still waving. It would be bad if she falls and gets badly hurt and that would take a looong time to recover. Pink heart can live on her own, but she just doesn't want to... this is her place and it is just too comforting for her to leave. Wasn't that what both hearts wanted?

Now, it just seems like Pink heart is alone in this, waiting for Blue heart to just turn to glance at her and see through her.

If Blue heart never turns back to just even speak to or push Pink heart off, Pink heart would eventually slow down in her beat, fade in colour and be a hard paled clayed heart.

Pink heart is now a little disillusioned... Did Blue heart ever exist? Absolute silence and seemingly non-existent; was it all real? Pink heart is very confused and seriously beginning to think Blue heart was only playing a trick on her, finding it a really funny prank.

I hear a mumble... Pink heart is saying something. Something like.... "Can't be me.... I wasn't even given enough time, how can I go already??!!!" Blue heart remains silent... so silent she feels, Pink heart remains only a shadow there... a fading gray one...

That is it.... Pink heart cracks a little, bleeds a little.............all as per planned.....what in the world happened to chances?..

Faves.

The colour of my love

I'll paint my moon in shades of blue
Paint my soul to be with you
I'll sketch your lips in shaded tones
Draw your mouth to my own

I'll draw your arms around my waist
Then all doubt I shall erase
I'll paint the rain that softly lands
On your window panes

I'll trace a hand to wipe your tears
A look to calm your fears
A silhouette of darken light
While we hold each other
Oh so tight

I'll paint a sun
To warm your heart
Swearing that we'll never part
That's the colour of my love

I'll paint the truth
Show how I feel
Try to make you completely real
I'll use a brush
So light and fine
To draw you close
And make you mine

I'll paint a song
To warm your heart
Swearing that we'll never ever part
That's the colour of my love

I'll draw the years all passing by
So much to love, So much to try
And with this ring
Our lives will start
Swearing that we'll never part
I offer what you cannot buy
Devoted love until we die....
-Celine Dion, David Foster

Fly Away From Here

( Frederiksen / Chapman )

Gotta find a way

Yeah I can't wait another day

Ain't nothin' gonna change if we stay 'round here

Gotta do what it takes

'Cuz it's all in our hands

We all make mistakes

Yeah... but it's never too late to start again

Take another breath.... and say another prayer

And fly away from here

Anywhere yeah I don't care

We just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams are out there somewhere

Won't let time pass us by

We'll just fly... yeah

If this life gets any harder now

It ain't no never mind

Ya got me by your side

And anytime you want

Yeah we can catch a train and find a better place

Yeah... a cuz' we won't let nothin' or no one keep gettin' us down

Maybe you and I can pack our bags and hit the sky

Then fly away from here

Anywhere yeah I don't care

We just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams are out there somewhere

Won't let time pass us by

We just fly

Do you see a bluer sky now

You can have a better life now

Open your eyes

'Cuz no one here can ever stop us

They can try but we won't let them... no way

Maybe you and I

Can pack our bags and say goodbye

Then fly away from here

Anywhere honey I don't care

We just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams are out there somewhere

Fly away from here

Yeah... anywhere a honey I don't I don't I don't care

Yeah... we just fly

Juz another day..

Was at East Coast with girlfriend and her man. They left first and I stayed for my final glass of wine which spilled on me. (DARN WASTED) SO I had another, while de boning the chicken wings for the kitties all around. I didn't wanna hear or see any poor kittens coz I would definitely take them in, yet again. With my Ashton next to me, Axl and Alphie, I'm as happy as can be already.

I had 2 1/2 nuggets, 2 chicken wings for dinner (very proud of myself) I left the house weighing 44KG, now, I probably weigh much more! Hehe. BUT, as long as I still fit in my clothes, I'm glad.

Anyway girlfriend and I were discussing about my situation, which I am very positive about; believing everything is just a huge hurdle for me to overcome; albeit alone. So when the present becomes the past, all I need to do is look back and tell myself that all I am is a strong girl, spoilt, no doubt, but strong. She was talking about responsibilities and reliability of which some do not have. I guess time will teach and people will learn. Just like Daddy who got hit with the reality that he had to be the sole breadwinner at the age of 15. It all worked out for him, and now he has a loving wife (a sweet mummy to me), 2 sons and a beautiful sweetheart little girl (aka ME) a good daughter-in-law, a cute little granddaughter and 3 very adorable and obedient golden retriever puppies. That alone, he's a winner, yeah. This would go on with my brother to his wife and daughter and on and on.... until someone screws up; and I don't wanna be that person.

Just finished reading a book; Favour, The Road To Success by Bob Buess. Very easy to read, very simple and interesting book I'd love to read again and again; loads better than those Harry Potter or lord of the Rings kinda book. Now I'm gonna read another easy-to-read kinda book.

Anyway, it's a sucky time to find a job right now, kena recession, shiaks. And a sucky loan of 9K; and 11K to MDIS, but luckily, Daddy is not fussy about that, so he ain't gonna chase me or ask for interest. Slowly la..... He insists it's ok, but as an adult, just wanna be responsible. So, I shall find a job soon, gonna work like a koo koo and repay. The retail store is doing ok, except that mostly customers are ladies like myself.... what happened to the boys/men!?? Lousy... useless men, only know how to chee hong. One even took a namecard thinking it was a namecard of my salesgirl, and kept calling me. Aiyoooo, buy something la! Take namecard then wanna sian char boh, tsk tsk tsk.

BUT anyway, so far so good, I've been getting erm... 花s', 梨物s' heheh feels good, but they're just meaningless to me lor. Waste time. Mum tells me to thank her for the genes, hanah hanah...
I'm just cute like that la. Hehe.... 不要臉！I'm just a (damn cute) blessing to all la.

My previous domestic helper went back to Indonesia to get married liao, just last week. How sweet to let us know before she left. Sweet...

Daddy's coming home tomorrow, he was in Shanghai, hehe looking forward to a pressie he usually gets for me, and me only (and my niece la)... kor kor gets nothing HA-HA-HA!!!!

Boh pian, I'm daddy's princess.

Kitty goes home while dog dog feels betta

Found someone who was interested in adopting kitty mao mao. This couple was so happy with the kitten that they took her home. Later on, I got a complaint about the kitten not being able to get along with her cat. I called a friend to explain to this couple about cat's behaviour because I wouldn't know better.... dogs, sure, ask me! But cats?! Sem sem but different.

Finally puppies are able to roam around without disturbing baby kitty. EXCEPT Ashton who's terrified.

I'm so full after sharing some fishballs and 2 plums with Ashton, but NOW at 03:06am, I wanna eat.... just heated up some claypot rice mum prepared for dinner... Ashton would love it! Today I'm 44.7Kg, improving a little but easily gonna get fat once I get 55.7KG hahaha! Yup, Ashton is starring at me, giving that stupid groan to ask for food, stealing whatever i've got.

Yup he just had some claypot rice, lasagne, pao and loadsa chips. And everyone wonders why he's getting fat??!!

Baby Ashton is now happier with the absence of kitty coz he gets back his toy house, bear and pillow. Fine, 6 years old is not baby, but still.... everyone's a baby to their parents (caretakers) FOREVER.

Dad and Mum thinks of the dogs as puppies, so do I, but to them, they're still really tiny little pups.... just like how they see us, forever 5 year-olds. Interesting huh?!

Telling him "NO MORE LAH!" doesn't help, so showing him an empty plate which is clean then finally works and he'll sigh and give up.

Went for some drinks today with a girlfriend and her friend. Chatted (with sense), drank, and munching away (I was too full to do so). We had some girl talk, before her friend came along, and yeah, it kinda made sense.... I placed my disclaimers and she understood, while she assured me nothing is for sure. Exactly.

"I only wanna be happy" I told her. All she could say was "let everything be, you'd never know what/who would make you happy, so, just let it be"..... yeah... coming from a happily newly wed. Shiaks.

Anyway, I'm waiting for that miracle to happen coz it will...

Wanna fly away

Weighed myself before transferring kitty to a larger cage. With kitty, I was 45.8KG, without, I was 44KG, meaning little kitty is 1.8KG! Not too little ah! When I lifted her she felt sooooo light. Actually there's a problem, kitty can't poop and pee, and I have no idea how to help her, for pups it's easier, coz they do it anyway.

Anyway, I suddenly felt like some instant noodles, so I did. Cooked me some Indomee Goreng; the most non-mee-goreng-kinda-mee-goreng-but-yummy-nonetheless.

Today I have a special guest in my room; who hasn't been here for awhile. ASHTON! Our 'little' friend was going around sniffing if little kitty kat had ruined any of his territory... picked up his favourite Ikea rat and brought it to me as if to say "phew, he's still alright". OH and I didn't mention, I couldn't finish the mee goreng, no sweat, we have Ashton to save the world. I just left it on the floor and automatically like a vaccuum cleaner, our friend did an excellent job, now i'm just left wondering if I need to wash to plate.

Had dinner with a friend and some wine.... ok loadsa wine. Hey, it was one for one... and I mean bottle! Heck the Mikasa glasses, we just gulped it down. The set dinner was also one for one, which made loadsa sense, not to me, coz I rarely finish my meals. A-N-Y-W-A-Y, the wine was more of the attraction. It was actually 1 for 1 for the glasses but I guess my Ah-lian-ness and Ah lian hair made the manager say "ok la one for one bottle for you". AHAHAHA. The power of blondies.

I love to watch pups sleep.... no matter how large they are, or just little pups... Just so endearing. I'm watching one right now, all sprawled over my bed leaving me with enough space to sleep like a soldier at attention.

Suddenly a song just came to me;

I follow the night;
Can't stand the light.
When will I begin,
To live again?

One day I'll fly away;
Leave all these to yesterday.
What more could your love do for me;
When will love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends.

One day I'll fly away;
Leave all these to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends.

One day I'll fly away;
Fly, fly away...

(From the movie Moulin Rouge)

Now don't ask why, but it just came ringing in my ear that it kinda made me wanna fly away too. Perhaps it was the sorta close shave I had with truly flying away that day when the ambulance staff were slapping, pounding, shouting at me, and the stupid doctor 'helping' to make matters worse. One thing for sure, panic attacks AND asthma attacks PLUS helpless friends are not that good a combination. Well, perhaps one day I'll really then fly away...

Baby kitty kat

WOwEe!! FINALLY got out of bed at 7pm. Periodically looking after the kitten... or rather looking FOR it. She keeps running into little corners to hide. Desperately trying to get someone to want to adopt her. Her crying sounds darn pathetic....

Kitten mao mao

It's meet-up-with-girlfriends-drink-and-tok-bull-night... yet again. BUT the only difference is that I came home with a little kitten.It's white with red stripes. I'm not gonna name it, I don't wanna be emotionally attached to it so I can still give it away. I hid it in my handbag all the way home in the taxi and it's little face kept coming out. Poor little one, shivering, heart pounding, looking for home, no idea where to look.

Of course I couldn't take Ashton up tonight, just in case he gets too terrified of the kitten... YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. So poor baby boy has to stay downstairs tonight.

I could hardly hide the kitten from ANYONE even though it was in my handbag the whole time. The taxi driver; the shop assistant; my mum... thanks to it's little face and crying. Mum asked why'd I pick a stray kitten.... well, if you saw a baby crying in the bushes, you're just gonna walk away?!

It's obviously calling for help but I don't know in what way to help except the food I bought and milk for it.

I do not intend to keep this kitten for long (obviously with 3 golden retrievers, nobody needs a heart attack) but at least till I have it checked by the vet then I'll send it SPCA or something. Poor fella. It's still meowing away while I type this.

Well everyone tells me stray cats are common in East Coast Park, but when this little kitten was meowing it's way through the bushes, I couldn't just pretend it was nothing and left it alone. Poor little fella (again)

A baby can only cry, so can a puppy or kitten; for help or for basic needs.

I already have 3 huge pups, no need for a kitten/mouse/hamster/baby tiger/lion to add to my zoo; but who can just walk away from a cry? Well, I know some can, but not me. Even if I were to walk away from this kitten, I would have at least gotten some milk for it before walking away reluctantly. I'm not self-righteous, I'm just being human and loving the world while I'm still around and able to provide some care.

This poor kitten is scared to its wits, crying constantly and meowing for mum. I'm not mum and definitely not gonna keep this kitten. Try hearing the cries yourself and you'd melt too. When I first got my pups, each of them had their own unique cries, but soon, they had their own unique characters. All are goldies, but of different temperament and characters. Alot like human actually.

Anyway, mao mao, since I do not know what else to call it, is a tad scared to socialise, or come out.... What's to blame? Desertion; abandonment.

my loves

I love french manicures, calla lilies, golden retrievers, white lilies, Cabernet sauvignion, nail polish, grocery shopping, daddy, mummy, godpa. godma, axl, alphie, ashton, eliot, maya, gal-gal didi, godson jasper, sleep, my pals.

My heart is beating fast.... very fast. Very odd...

Daddy's little girl

For the longest time I have not felt hungry.... ok maybe a little sometimes, but to a point of gastritis, just today. I went downstairs to get some leftovers; daddy was still awake watching some China news; or debate. Daddy stopped me halfway down and asked if I was gonna grab something to eat. I was in my robe, hoping dad won't ask me go out to get something for him (which usually doesn't happen anyway). Heated up some leftover bee hoon from dinner and some fishball soup.

Daddy was glad I was willing to walk down to grab something to eat. 2 spoons full of bee hoon, 1 fishball, I was done. Full. As usual, Ashton finished the rest; hence happily lying with legs open wide, head on MY pillow and taking up MY space. Well, at least we're both full and happy. I know because of that dumb face he's giving me. How endearing, and sickening at the same time. He wins and gets away with just about anything because of his dumb ass face.

Yup, that's the look.

Oh and did I mention the sounds he makes? Imagine a bird with a weird... WEIRD voice. There you go.... the food looter; who happily cleans up the utensils and hop up next to me and take MY pillow and space as his own; all spread out.... nice... . Sickening idiot. But I still love him to death anyway.

Totally in agreement

I just love my girlfriends, we bitch just about anything, sometimes even about each other... (oops) but eventually, we do it all outta love.

A very close girlfriend was in a dilemma , eventually she gave in to what she thought was right and literally hurt someone, but, it was only for the recipient's benefit, most importantly.

Thanks babe, I love you.

Excellent

This is damn cool! DAMN COOL I SWEAR!
Nice job! Can't even put it words. Hope it didn't burn you!

Funny yet so real

License to wed.

Totally.

あなたはバアスタレヅ

Yet again in this lonely hotel room. Totally not a Lou Reed kinda day. Was bothered by some dodgy guy at the pub. Friend helped to get rid of him. Left early coz friend was 'busy'. Watched some B grade movie which wasn't all too bad actually. Poor photographer got cheated by a 14 yr old, got castrated by her and eventually forced to suicide. Nice.

Mixed wine with whisky today. Beautiful. Totally screwed, headache,. Perhaps more smoking helps. Great. no idea what's happening to my body. As good as it gets.

Heading back later. Home? No idea where's home really...a place you love? a place where you feel love? a place full of love? a place with someone you love? no idea. just heading back, wherever where 'back' is.

Not really much of a getaway... ended up being a "let's get drunk everyday" getaway.

Wah lau whisky plus wine tastes like ang ku kueh nixed with sushi. WTF!?

Friends ask when I'd make curry puffs or char siew puffs. Told them to FO. NEVER. GO old chang kee and buy la.

私輪とても寂しほんとに、銅して？痛いよ、とても痛いよ！

In the past vs now

Waking up to the night, sleeping in the day, dreaming with eyes open, nightmarish with eyes wide shut.

Back into the school days I want to go. Sweet and simple, little surprises, little pecks, betrayed but loved then loved but betrayed. Chicken wing song hahaha. Cute cars, complications of ya ya sisterhood. Best pals around, drunk on green tea, skipping classes, smoking together, bitching about the days, little dreams, little hopes, cute valentine surprises, loved the balloons and diamond. Our first mobiles, a specially created 21st with 21 gifts. Bottle of grains. Folded cranes. Battles and squabbles. Few angry days. Some baby talk, falling in love again. Imagining our future, picturing the beauty of life. 10 years over in a second.

A second now feels like 10 years. The future is now. The pals are lesser. Surprises lesser but bigger. Only betrayed. Burn the cheese. Drink the wine. Break the bottle. Break the heart. Loved too much. Hurt to boot. Treasured so little.... no, not at all. Cherished to bits, chunks of bull. Blinded totally now. The pink is black. It is no longer there. o-v-e-r. not l-o-v-e-r.

Gibberish

Sitting here alone in the hotel room, listening to meaningless songs, smoking my lungs black, wondering when the present becomes the past. Creeping under the blanky, snuggly but no warmth. Sipping my wine, imagining the new year being a good one, lighting yet another cigarette. Thinking of nonsense, counting the cigarette buds, squinting in the dark, hating the night. Hoping to sit here for the longest time, typing away whatever, whenever. Wasting away slowly but surely. Died yet still alive, awaiting for help, eyes closing, counting down, ilogically. Ahh that song.....

Still cannot see the silver lining

Women need to be more rational, and men; more emotional.

A GREAT welcome for 2009

Happy New Year everyone. Let's try welcome 2009 with open arms.