A mourning Princess

Had a great family dinner to celebrate my eldest brother's birthday in advance. My baby-girl niece was so sweetheart (no doubt a terror most of the time) when I took her to buy her some snacks. She said "This is for papa. This is for mummy. This is for nana (herself)" She grabbed ONE box of snacks for daddy, ONE for mummy and like what looked like a basket full of crisps for herself. Such a cutie.

I went on to meet my friends, lost abit of money over blackjack. Then this song came out... so did my tears...

It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so-called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants

And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

-Hugh Grant-

No idea, but this just makes me wanna cry.

Well-oh-well.... let the princess mourn, won't you!??!

my heart still searching?

The hardest part about being dumped is that the dumpee feels worse than the dumper. I do not understand why this should be the case; especially when the dumpee was in the dark about the intentions of the dumper. Shouldn't punishment befall the dumper for being such a.... well, dumper?!

I was interrogated last night during a drinking session. I was questioned as to why I was still wearing my wedding ring as a pendant. My response was simple; just as "not too bad" = "not too good", "no news is good news", I am entitled to still remain positive. Besides, I do not believe 'he' could be so cold-hearted and stone-hearted; I wouldn't marry such a man anyway. My friends could be right... or wrong; but one thing I know for sure is that we all cannot forsee the future. And should the day come that 'he' wants to get back to where we ended and start over again, I'm not gonna be a bitch and 'take revenge' and play mind games. We aren't kids, and this isn't a joke. I take it seriously, and I still do. But should he stand grounded like a rock, then I'm not gonna try change matters too, simply because I can't do this on my own. Swallow the bitter tablet which I've been staring at for the longest time and move on, hoping the tablet also erases my memory of the one who prescribed it.

Perhaps I just wanna wake up from this horrifying and trying nightmare as fast as it happened.

The husband I miss....

"HUH WHAT???!" My 'husband' has been going around telling everyone he knows that we're divorced. Funny thing is, I'm not even aware that we already are!? Not until I know of the real reasons without BS, will I agree to this arrangement. This marriage was more like an arrangement than one out of real emotions. It's really ridiculous since I never knew it was supposed to be like this; a plan, outrageously planned. Just so amazing, how my 'ex-husband' can cook up some story to say how we split when I'm unaware of my true fault or rather, a validated fault.

I'm still in disbelief. This is so absurd!? It almost makes me feel dumb like I was never involved. What in the world was I thinking? What in the world was HE thinking? How come I never knew? How didn't I see this coming? This ploy, this staged marriage/divorce. Amazing, I think.

How could I be so dumb as to marry someone who was going to take me as his joke and an eventual reason for his status of a divorcee; just like his peers? Can't beat them; join'em!

I try not to think the worse of him, I try..... and I still do not think he's a bad guy, just one who can be quite scheming and who is very lost. Even if it wasn't me, I'd bet he'd do the same, simply because joining the 'gang' of the 'divorcees' made him feel very 'in place'. It was all a game.

I'd like to think he was not scheming towards me, not a scam but a true love; which he became confused of. He could end up with someone else, or maybe nobody at all, but all I know is that he would paint a very ugly picture of me; which is NOT FAIR.

Anyway, I have no idea anymore. I'll wait. I trust, I have faith and I'm still positive. He isn't a bad person, he isn't evil; he's facing influences and warfares. I want him to see his initial decision all over again and why he made such a decision. To have and to hold, through better or worse, in sickness and in health, in richer and poorer, till death.... do us part....

The Estranged Wife

Second day of the lunar new year; still nothing. Should I then start calling myself and estranged wife?Or perhaps not a wife at all. Nobody wants to ask me about anything when they do come to my place for visitation because it's a really sensitive topic. My folks are still pretty much affected and disappointed with the way things were/are handled. Basically there isn't any responsibility to inform my parents of any decisions made, making it a really ugly situation, and it isn't my intention to tell my folks either because it was never my decision. I wasn't consulted... I was told.

Guess it would be way better if I was told off in the face. It would hurt, but at least there would be closure. Now it's inconclusive and I know as much about the situation as anyone randomly walking on the streets.

Left him a message yesterday to wish him a Happy Lunar New Year. No reply. Is it time to realise he's not a responsible nor reliable person? Or to stay in denial and wait? I'm exhausted, no idea what to say anymore. Must it be like this? Must one wait till giving up is the only option? It really has become very exhausting and tiring; but isn't this what 2 people have to go through till they get comfortable? I know I will live to regret not being given an opportunity to try my very best and live a life with him properly. But this regret is sowed by him. And he will reap what he sows.... Because I love him, I do not wish for anything bad to happen to him. I want the best for him and because he is being loved still, he should be living life happily. And that is what life owes me too... to live happily.

Reunion Dinner

It's Chinese New Year's Eve and we'll be having our reunion dinner later. Just one reunion dinner, just my family, not with my other. To date, I haven't come to any conclusion or any substantial instructions on what to do. It's so weird. This is supposed to my first CNY which I have to have 2 reunion dinners. But now it's just gonna be 1.

Well, everyone have a great CNY; hope life would get better for all in this new year to come.

Chinese New Year!!! not yet la

Was sleeping throughout the day; just couldn't drag myself out of bed for the 一年一度的賭王大賽. Anyway I got up at 6pm; got ready to head out for dinner with the folks. We had dinner at Pinetree Club for Chinese. Nice...but VERY filling.

After dinner, headed to meet girlfriends coz one of them just came back from Hong Kong with her guy, for the New Year. Chatted a little and before we knew it, it was already 2.30am. Before I left, I HAD TO be damn suay to see someone I really didn't need to see... ruining my night. DARN.

Anyway, I'm just waiting for ang pows and more ang pows hehehe. Buy me a pair of sandals and a camera and life would be complete!

Pre-CNY posting

Had to bring a Korean potential client out night before. Ended up at TD2.He had loadsa fun. Ended up being entertained wonderfully by the infamous Thai ah-lians that he was super duper glad. Heng no need to send him home. Apparently this smart-ass bought over yahoo auctions and now is operating some G-crap.... (not string)...

Last night, a friend brought a Japanese guest. Nobody can understand his english simply because we do not even know if he's speaking it. So I used my duper broken Japanese (which he corrected many times) to converse with him... mostly, the music was loud (YES, TD AGAIN!) so not much small talk was made; fortunately. Headed on to Sabai Sabai after that, damn late already I was tired, sleepy and dying from lack of sleep and staring too many visuals the whole day. One after another, drunk and I had to be the 'entertainer' to converse with Koji San. He went home with friend and I, took a lonely cab ride with the uncle telling me his entire life story of how his marriage failed after 22 years; 3 kids and a life of taxi-driving.

Poor baby Ashton broke his dew claw and now he gets really upset when I hold his paw. The wound looks so raw and it's (once again) approaching the public holidays where I'll have to pay triple or more of the vet fees.... Well, he ain't screaming every second, so I reckon he's quite alright. Perhaps I can save that couple of hundreds then... (Ahh..... sigh of relief) No money lah... just got back to working only...

Well, overall it was complimenting when they commented rather disappointedly and empathetic when they asked if I was single, and I said technically/scientifically/mathematically/linguistically 'No'; however, literally, it would be a 'Yes'. Not that I'm anticipating that, just that like no choice lor. <<鳳一樣的男子>> says it all. (damn suay... never ever thought I will kena this kind).. not that I have much say....